DEFINITIONS I

1. Minor surgery.........an operation performed on someone else

2. Teamwork..............everybody doing what I say

3. Synonym...............a word you use when you can't spell the other one

4. Consistent.............as stupid today as you were last year

5. Diplomacy.............the art of saying "nice doggie" until you find a stick

6. Opera.....................singing before you die

7. Wedding ring.........a tourniquet worn on the left hand to stop circulation

8. Psychiatrist............a doctor who doesn't have to worry as long as other people do 

9. Lawyer...................one skilled in the circumvention of the law

10. Leaf blower..........an invention of the devil designed to move dirt from your property onto someone else's while hurting your ears

From THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY by Ambrose Bierce

10. Fashion...........................................a despot whom the wise ridicule and obey
11. Absurd............................................inconsistent with my opinion

12. Monday..........................................in Christian countries, the day after a major sports event
13. Habit...............................................a shackle for the free
14. Marriage.........................................a domestic circle consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two
15. Telephone......................................an invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance
16. Positive..........................................mistaken at the top of your voice
17. Congratulations.............................civilities of envy
18. Egotist...........................................a person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me
19. Alone............................................in bad company

20. Lawyer..........................................one skilled in the circumvention of the law