IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT - 2013

Since 1982 the English Department of San Jose State University has sponsored the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (BLFC), a playful literary competition that challenges entrants to compose the worst possible opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels. It is named for English novelist Edward Bulwer-Lytton, whose 1830 novel Paul Clifford begins with the sentence

It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents - except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.

Mocked, parodied, and immortalized by Snoopy, It was a dark and stormy night has become a metaphor for bad writing.

Below are some "winners" and dishonorable mentions of the 2013 BLFC:

Adventure
As the sun dipped below the horizon, the safari guide confirmed the approaching cape buffaloes were herbivores, which calmed everyone in the group, except for Herb, of course.
Ron D. Smith - Louisville, KY

Fantasy
There once was a nasty, evil troll who lived beneath a bridge and took pleasure in collecting gold from the unsuspecting users of the infrastructure; however, no one used the bridge because an evil troll lived under it so the troll didn't do much of anything.
Rachel Flanigan - Honolulu, HI

Purple Prose
Before they met, his heart was a frozen block of ice, scarred by the skate blades of broken relationships, then she came along and like a beautiful Zamboni flooded his heart with warmth, scraped away the ugly slushy bits, and dumped them in the empty parking lot of his soul.
Howie McLennon - Ottawa, ON Canada

He had a way with women that was at first endearing, then gradually engendered caution and finally outright rejection, like potato salad at a summer picnic.
Paul Sutcliffe - Pittsburgh, PA

Romance
The patterns of our lives, like the weave of an oriental rug, the tans and reds and golds and indigos, the thin silken threads, the thick woolen yarns, the weft and warp criss-crossing the shuttle, the double hooks, and yes, even the berber loops that are really out of style these days, sure are hard to figure sometimes.
John Hardi - Falls Church, VA

When the slinky redhead slunk into the throbbing strobe-lit nightclub, Elwood's eyes fastened on her the way a toilet plunger will fasten onto a hard surface if you shove it down just right, but her returning glance, while smoldering, was actually more caustic and burned his tender ego the way Liquid Drano can burn your hand if you spill some on it, having disregarded the manufacturer's warning.
Jeff Treder - Springfield, OR

Vile Puns
He spotted her as he left the Mudville baseball field, a handsome young woman sipping tea on the front porch swing of her house, and, though the boos and catcalls from today's game still rang in his ears, the Mighty Casey decided that for the first time in his life he would not at all mind being associated with a swing and a Miss.
Tom Wallace, Columbia, SC

Grand Panjandrum's Special Award 
"Don't know no tunnels hereabout," said the old timer, "unless you mean the abandoned subway line that runs from Hanging Hill, under that weird ruined church, beneath the Indian burial ground, past the dilapidated Usher Mansion, and out to the old abandoned asylum for the criminally insane where they had all those murders."
Lawrence Person, Austin, TX