IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT - 2018

Below are some "winners" from the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest of 2018. Please see the DARK AN STORMY NIGHT post of July 8, 2014 for an explanation of this contest.

Grand Prize - Runner Up
Dreaded Pirate Larry was somewhat worried, as he looked down at his boot, where his first mate was stretched out, making whooshing sounds, attempting to blow him over, that despite having the fastest ship, the most eye patches, and the prettiest parrots, his crew may need a few lessons on the difference between literal and figurative, as evidenced by the rest of the crew applying ice to the timbers.
Shelley Siddall, West Kelowna, BC, Canada

Adventure - Winner
Eli Jacob Crowley, the famed pioneer figure who spearheaded America's westward expansion by blazing the Crowley Trail in 1838, was an awe-inspiring figure of a man, as stout as a four-century-old oak, as intellectually complex as the fronds of a Florida palm, as singularly focused as the trunk of a Giant Sequoia, though in all other respects, not like a tree at all.
John Hardi, Falls Church, VA

Children's Literature - Winner
Hi, my name is Neptune Galapagos Cooper, I'm 13, I live in the suburbs with my middle-class white family (my SUPER ANNOYING little brother, my parents, who are sooooo lame, and my dog Bailey, the only one who really gets me) and there's one thing you should know about me: I'm not like other girls.
Rachel Koch, Blackstone, MA

Crime/Detective - Dishonorable Mention
For rookie detective Lara Stinson, the hardest aspect of her most recent case was not discovering that the adolescent victim had been thrown from the tenth story of the apartment building by his own grandmother, but rather trying to spell "defenestration by octogenarian" in her subsequent report.
Thomas Purdy, Roseville, CA

Romance - Winner 
Phoebe sighed happily as she read the text form Mark asking her to be "friends with benefits," as she thought maybe, just maybe, she would finally get that 401k and dental insurance.
Amber Burns, Calhoun, GA

Romance - Dishonorable Mention
She was the most desired object in the room, not unlike the last deviled egg at an Easter Day potluck.
Christine Hamilton

The Contessa's heart was pounding hard and fast, like an out-of-balance washing machine, which can get that way if you mix jeans with a lot of light things, though the new ones have some sort of sensor thing to counteract that or shut it off, but the Contessa's heart didn't have anything like that, so she had to sit down and tell Don Rolando to cool it for a while.
John Hardi, Falls Church, VA

Walking home, picking crushed bouquet bits form his hair and lapel, it occurred to Stan that perhaps "spotless" was the wrong compliment for Evelyn's home so soon after the incident between the Mazda and her beloved Dalmation.
Steve Lauducci, Bethlehem, PA