JOKES

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it's one monk's first chance. He thinks for a moment before saying, "Food cold." Ten years later, he says, "Bed hard." It's the big day, a decade later: He gives the head monk a long stare and says, " I quit."

"I'm not surprised," the head monk says. "You've been complaining ever since you got here."

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A lawyer was playing golf when he got hit by a ball. When the player came over looking for the ball, the lawyer said, "I'm a lawyer, and this will cost you $5,000."

"I'm sorry," said the golfer. "But I did say 'fore.' " 

"I'll take it," said the lawyer

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Wandering around a fairgrounds, a man enters a fortune-teller's tent for a laugh. "I see you're the father of  two," says the seer, gazing into her crystal ball. 

"Ha! That's what you think," says the man scornfully. "I'm the father of three."

"Ha! says the fortune teller. "That's what you think."

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Doctor: Have you taken my advice and slept with the window open?

Patient: Yes.

Doctor: Has your asthma disappeared?

Patient: No, but my watch and laptop have.

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A grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a rogue wave washes him out to sea. "Please, God," she  pleads, "Save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back to me." With that, another huge wave washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. The grandmother looks up to heaven and says, "He had a hat."

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