ANGUISHED ENGLISH I

An Anthology of Accidental Assaults Upon Our Language

Richard Lederer

 

1. In 1957, Eugene O'Neill won a  Pullet Surprise.

 

2. The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitos.

 

3. Having one wife is called monotony.

 

4. Acrimony is what a man gives his divorced wife.

 

5. A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

 

6. The difference between a king and a president is that a king is the son of his father, but a president isn't.

 

7. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sara Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain area of the dessert are cultivated by irritation.

8. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada. 

9. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. 

10. A myth is a female moth.

11. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. 

12. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.