FROM READER'S DIGEST

A Czech man's eyesight was failing, so he decided to see an optometrist. The doctor showed the patient a standard eye chart which displayed the letters C V K P N W X S C Z Y on one of the lines. Asked if he could read the line, the Czech replied: "Read it? I know the guy."

A Jewish mother cornered the concert violinist in his dresssing room and insisted he listen to a tape of her talented son playing the violin. The violinist reluctantly agreed to listen, and the woman switched on the tape player. To his surprise, the violinist was immediately struck by the richness of the sound. What music, he thought. A difficult piece, but played with such genius that it brought tears to his eyes. He listened spellbound to the entire recording. "Madame," he whispered, "is that your son? He plays like Jascha Heifetz." "That was Jascha Heifetz," she replied, "but my son sounds just like him."

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east." The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degrees west." Angry, the captain sends out: I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir." "I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir." Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!" There's one last reply: "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

A mom was preparing pancakes for her two sons, Kevin 5 and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, he would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.' " Mom was on the verge of tears as Kevin turned to his younger brother. "Ryan, you be Jesus."

Ladies: When you find Mr. Right, make sure his first name isn't Always.

There are three stages in life: You have to take a nap and you don't want to; you want to take a nap, but you don't have the time; and you want to take a nap and have the time, but you can't fall asleep.