DEAR ABBY:

Actual letters received by advice columnist Abigail Van Buren:

1. "I'm a bus driver and want some information on how to become a shepherd."

2. "I hear there's life after death. If that's true, can you put me in touch with my uncle Leroy Albert from Victoria, Texas?

3. "My husband burns the hair out of his nose with a lighted match. And he thinks I'm crazy because I voted for Goldwater."

4. "I can't trust my husband. He cheats so much I'm not even sure my last baby is his."

Credit:

GAMES Magazine

November/December, 1981

Dear Abby:

I am forty-four and would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits.

Rose

Dear Rose:

So would I. 

From Reader's Digest

1981

Dear Abby
BIRTH OF A NOTION
as quoted by Merl Reagle

Dear Abby,
I am eighty-two years old and have been dreaming that I'm pregnant. What could be the reason for this?

Impossible Dreams

Dear Impossible Dreams,
Maybe you have a fertile imagination.

Dear Abby,

Our office manager, Marvin, is a middle-aged family man. The boss' secretary, Sissy, is a shapely young woman. She and Marvin have been spending a lot of time together in the file room - with the door locked! I'm getting tired of covering up for them when the boss comes looking for Sissy, but I am too embarrassed to discuss it with them. What do you suggest?
Nervous

Dear Nervous,

Get over your embarrassment long enough to tell Sissy that the next time the boss comes looking for her, you will tell him to look in the file room - under Marvin.

Abigail Van Buren
New York News Syndicate

Dear Amy:

   I have found the man of my dreams. He is my true love.
   Our love is one in a billion - the kind of love little girls dream of and that Hallmark card writers write about.
   Here's the challenge. We are both in long-term marriages that have been dead for a very long time.
   For years we have both put off leaving our marriages to limit the impact on our kids, who are now well-adjusted teenagers. Before we met we had planned to separate/divorce when our kids were in college. But now things have changed forever.
   We are so happy together and it's very painful when we're apart. We can't imagine waiting years (until our kids go to college) to live our life together.
   We always want to do what's best for them, and are struggling with how best to balance our kids' well-being and our own.
   Should we follow our hearts, leave our marriages, show our kids what real love is, and do our best to help them deal with the situation? Or should we patiently and secretly love each other and wait until they are off to college, despite the emptiness we feel when apart?

IN LOVE AND CONFUSED

Dear Confused:

   Please, little girls deserve better dreams than this. Somehow, even the misty-eyed writers of Hallmark cards seem to have missed the beautiful and romantic literary potential of two married adults having extramarital affairs and maneuvering to ditch their spouses and kids in order to be together.
   In short, you and your lover are inhabiting a tired cliche. The least - the very least - you can do is to own it.
   Your children will not care one whit about your one-in-a-billion love affair. Leaving them - and their other parent - is NOT the way to "show them what love is."
   That having been said, because you are both determined to leave your marriages, I do not believe it is wisest to wait several years. The less time your well-adjusted children spend in a household fraught with unhappiness and tinged with lies and infidelity, the better. Please, spare them your romantic notions and overall arrogance.
   You should pursue couples counseling in order to find a way to amicably "uncouple." Don't pretend that your decision will be welcomed by anyone else. Assume it will be hard for everyone, and take responsibility for being the catalyst for the challenge these two families are about to face.

Credit:
Ask Amy - syndicated column
Amy Dickinson
LA Times 


 

DEAR ABBY:

My wife is older than I am. This was of no concern to her when we were married in our 20's, but as we are getting older, she is beginning to worry that I may seek a younger woman. How do I reassure her? She is almost 91 and I am 88.

RETIRED REAR ADMIRAL IN MARYLAND

There was no response from ABBY.

DEAR ANN,
     My wife and I soon will be celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary, and although we've been quite happy together, I can't bring myself to tell her something that's been bothering me since our honeymoon.
     When we unpacked our things in a nice little resort hotel, my wife opened a large suitcase and took out an accordion. "Louise" had never told me that she played the accordion and that she took it with her everywhere.
     I was flabbergasted that night as I sat through three recitals of "Lady of Spain" and an old English madrigal with some surprisingly ribald lyrics. Those are the only tunes she knows.
     Our social life has always been rather quiet. Our only close friends are "Bernice" and "Murray." They come over quite often and join Louise in a rousing chorus of "Lady of Spain."
     Murray plays his head - that is, he raps his knuckles on his head while opening and closing his mouth, which produces changes in tone. Bernice clacks two spoons together and hums the harmony.
     Ann, I've had about all I can take of this. How can I tell my wife after so many years that she is no musician and the racket is driving me crazy?
     Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

 -----------------HAD IT ON LONG ISLAND

DEAR LONG ISLAND,
     Please don't blow thirty years of sainthood by losing your temper. Surprise Louise with with a dozen accordion lessons and several pieces of sheet music. Sorry, but I can't think of anything you can do about Bernice and Murray.

Credit: 
Dear Ann
Syndicated newspaper column
Ann Landers 

Dear Ann,

I was amazed at your cop-out response to "Sitting It Out in Beaumont," who complained about her fat, lazy stepdaughter wrecking her furniture. When you can't think of anything else to say, your pat answer is "get counseling." Wake up. A counselor cannot make the girl thin, interesting, and tidy. The writer doesn't say whether she has asked her stepdaughter to pick up after herself. Some people are just naturally sloppy. They don't see the mess unless someone points it out.

I also have a daughter who is fat and sloppy. But since she's mine, she can come over whenever she wants to and stay as long as she likes. The girl is also a bore. In fact, all my children are bores, but I love them, so I listen.

All families have some fat, boring, messy people. But they are still family and we owe them our support. What does Beaumont think a family is about, anyway? If she wants to be amused by thin, neat people, she should look elsewhere.

N.E., Evanston, Ill.

NOTE from JA:
I don't remember if there was a response from Ann to this letter.  Personally, I don't see how this letter could be improved upon.

Credit: Dear Ann
Syndicated newspaper column
Ann Landers 

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16 year-old girl who is a nervous wreck from getting yelled at. All I hear from morning to night is "Stop smoking. Get off the phone. Hang up your clothes. Do your homework. Clean up your room." How can I get them off my case?
Sick of Parents

DEAR SICK: Stop smoking, get off the phone, hang up your clothes. do your homework, and clean up your room.

DEAR ABBY: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?
Wondering

DEAR WONDERING: Night and day

DEAR ABBY: Will you please say something to older women who work at fast-food places and take jobs from us teenagers? There's one who who works here, and she's so goody-goody---always on time and she never goofs off. I don't think she really needs the money. She must be 50 years old -- at least.
Teen

(There was no response from Abby)

ADVICE

A young man wrote to Dear Abby for advice. He had very little money and could not afford to take his girlfriend out to eat, the movies, and other such places. Abby responded by suggesting romantic, imaginative dates which would not cost a lot of money.

Soon after, a woman wrote in with this suggestion: "To the young man who could not afford to take his girlfriend out on expensive dates, here is the perfect solution: marry her---then you won't have to take her out at all. That's what my ex-husband did."

If Dear Abby were Dear Chuck.............
Dear Chuck,
This morning I left for work as usual. The car broke down after only two blocks. I walked back to the house to get our other car. When I opened the bedroom door to tell my husband, I found him in bed with the 18-year old girl who lives next door. He told me that this had been going on for a year, that he was no longer happy with me, and that he wanted a divorce so he could marry the girl. I had no idea that he felt this way or that he had been having this affair. I don't know what to do. Please help me. I am
Devastated

Dear Devastated,
There are many reasons why a car might break down. It might be as simple as running out of gas. Then there's the battery, the alternator, the fuel pump............................