Reader's Digest

February, 1945

Picturesque Speech and Patter 

     New England Brevity: The editor of a Vermont Weekly sent to one Hiram Sparks a notice that his subscription had expired. The notice came back with the laconic scrawl: "So's Hiram."

LAST WORDS XVIII

Winston Churchill once received two tickets from George Bernard Shaw for the opening-night performance of his latest play, with the invitation: "Bring a friend - if you have one." Churchill was engaged that night and responded - asking for tickets to the second night, with the addition: "If there is one."

Flying home after being crowned heavyweight champion of the world, Muhammad Ali was asked by a flight attendant to fasten his seat belt:

Muhammad Ali: Superman don't need no seat belt.

Flight attendant: Superman don't need no plane.

Dorothy Parker on being told Calvin Coolidge was dead:

"How can they tell?"

A priest asked Voltaire as he was dying to renounce Satan.

Voltaire: Now is not the time for making new enemies.

LAST WORDS XVII

From Reader's Digest

Submitted by Catherine O'Connell

 

   During one of my assignments as a free-lance court reporter, the witness on the stand was losing patience with the questioning attorney's condescending manner. "Well, sir," the lawyer went on, "form your last answer, I can tell that you are a man of intelligence and good judgement."

   "Thank you , Counselor," said the witness. "If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

LAST WORDS XVI

From Reader's Digest 

Contributed by Walter Bryan 

   An Irish attorney was making the best of a rather shaky case when the judge interrupted him on a point of law. "Surely," he asked, "your clients are aware of the doctrine of de minimis non curat lex?"

   "I assure you, my lord," came the suave reply, "that, in the remote and inhospitable hamlet where my clients have their humble abode, it forms the sole topic of conversation."

  

LAST WORDS XV

 

SNAPPY ANSWERS AT THE SINGLES' BAR

Patrick Jordan

 

1. "Come here often?"

2. "What's your sign?"

3. "Want to go out with a real man?"

4. "What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?"

 

Answers:

 

1. "Not after tonight."

2. "Do not disturb"

3. "Yes, do you know one?"

4. "Regretting it." 

 

LAST WORDS XIV

   Once, at a dinner party, George Bernard Shaw suffered through a lengthy discourse by a man who was trying to impress him. "You know," Shaw said at last, "between the two of us, I really believe we know all there is to know."
   "Really!" exclaimed the pedantic conversationalist.
  "You seem to know everything except that you're a bore," Shaw replied. "And I know that."
*******************************************

He's come to his wit's end.
And it didn't take him long to get there.

LAST WORDS XIII
From Reader's Digest

The hostess apologized to the Duke of Wellington, the hero of Waterloo, for the rude behavior of French officers who had turned their backs on him when he entered the party. His reply? "I have seen their backs before."
******************
  
Prior to World War I, German emperor Wilhelm II bragged to Dutch queen Wilhelmina that his guardsmen were seven feet tall. The queen, reading the threat between the lines, answered, "But when we open our dikes, the waters are ten feet deep."

LAST WORDS XII

From Reader's Digest
Contributed by Richard G. Lewis


   My wife and I once attended a wedding reception which took place on the same day as the seventh game of the World Series. Many of the guests, myself included, kept making short visits to an adjoining room to watch the game on TV. My wife, who was 8 1/2 months pregnant, asked if I could spend a little more time with her.
   "But," I said, "it's the bottom of the eighth and there two outs."
   "What about me?" she moaned. "It's the bottom of the ninth and no one is out!"
 

LAST WORDS XI

   A father took his children to the zoo. All were looking forward to seeing the monkeys. Unfortunately, it was mating time and, the attendant explained, the monkeys had gone inside their little sanctuary for some togetherness. "Would they come out for some peanuts?" asked the father.
   "Would you?" responded the attendant.

LAST WORDS X 

 

My teenage son was leaving the house to go on a date. He looked at my wife and me and teased, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do." I answered, "Don't worry. We won't clean your room."

*************************************

   Joe and Gary were both rich but evil brothers who attended the same church. When Gary died, Joe handed the pastor a large check to pay for a fancy new building. "I have only one condition," Joe growled. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint."
   The pastor agreed and deposited the check. At the funeral, he went to the pulpit and declared, "Gary was an evil man who cheated on his wife and betrayed his friends. But compared to Joe, Gary was a saint."

LAST WORDS IX

From Reader's Digest

     As master of ceremonies for our high school reunion, I handed out a bottle of champagne to the graduate who had traveled the farthest to be there, and another to the person who had been married the longest. When we got to the classmate with the most children, I said, "Trudy, you win with 11 kids. Then, trying to be clever, I continued, "Champagne is only half the prize. The other half is a giant, economy-size bottle of aspirin."
     "Don't bother," Trudy replied. "I've never had a headache."

LAST WORDS VIII

TV impresario Ed Sullivan once told a lion tamer to reduce the time of his act from 5 minutes to 3. "Do you understand?" Sullivan asked him. The lion tamer, who needed 5 minutes to gain control of the animal, answered with both a statement and a question of his own. What was his reply?

Answer:

"I understand perfectly, but how am I going to explain it to the lion?"

LAST WORDS VII

Can you name the sources which end with the three last words below?

1. our sacred honor
2. of the brave
3. justice for all
4. free at last
5. from the earth
6. is another day
7. States of America
8. to shining sea
9. place like home
10. with a curse

Answers:

1. Declaration of Independence
2. Star Spangled Banner
3. Pledge of Allegiance
4. "I Have a Dream" speech
5. Gettysburg Address
6. Gone With the Wind
7. Preamble to the US Constitution 
8. America the Beautiful 
9. Wizard of Oz 
10. The Old Testament

LAST WORDS VI
From Reader's Digest 
May, 1989


Question asked of columnist Marilyn vos Savant:  "What are the best and worst aspects of the computers that will be doing our thinking for us someday?"
Answer: "They have no emotions, and they have no emotions."

Question asked of publisher Geraldine Stutz, former president of Henri Bendel: "What's the difference between mere fashion and true style?"
Answer: "Fashion says 'Me too,' and style says, 'Only me.' "

LAST WORDS V

Actress Ilka Chase received the following note after publishing her book.

"I enjoyed reading your book. Who wrote it for you?"

What was Ilka's response?

Answer:

Darling, I'm so glad you liked it. Who read it to you?

Credit: 
Quoted in NY Times Crossword
March 5, 1995
A.J. Santora

LAST WORDS IV

FAMOUS LAST WORDS

1. Leave it to me.
2. You can't miss it.
3. I know a short cut.
4. I'll take care of everything.
5. I wonder where the mother bear is.
6. From Porky Pig: That's all folks!
7. From The Raven: Nevermore
8. From the Wicked Witch: I'm melting!

Credits
#5: NY Times Crossword
Dave and Diane Epperson
WATCHING THE CUBS PLAY

#6,7,8: Michael S. Maurer

LAST WORDS III

Can you improve on these "last words"?

1. Following a campaign speech, a young man rushed up to the speaker and said, "Senator, if you were St. Peter himself, I wouldn't vote for you." The Senator eyed him a moment and said:

2. Hypochondriac's dying words:

Answers:

1. "Son, if I were St. Peter, you couldn't vote for me, because you wouldn't be in my district."

2 ."I told you I was sick."

LAST WORDS II

Can you improve on these famous responses?

1. A US Senator speaking to Senator Henry Clay: "You speak for the present generation, but I speak for posterity."
2. "My wife won tickets for two to Hawaii."
3. A woman asked painter James McNeil Whistler whether genius was hereditary.
4. A young composer had written two pieces of music and asked the great Giaccomo Rossini to hear them both and say which he preferred. He played the first piece, whereupon Rossini said:
5. A tearful mother waved good-bye as her youngest child "left the nest." Turning to her husband, she cried, "You're all I have left." His reply:
6. Dorothy Parker, on being told that Calvin Coolidge was dead:
7. Teacher: "Johnny, if you had six pieces of candy and I asked you to give me four of them, how many would you have left?" Johnny's correct answer:
8. Abraham Lincoln was accused of being two-faced. His response:

Answers:

1. "Yes---and you seem resolved to speak until the arrival of your audience."
2. "She went twice." (Rodney Dangerfield)
3. "I cannot tell you, madam. Heaven has granted me no offspring."
4. "You need not play any more. I prefer the other one."
5. "I'm all you started with."
6. "How can they tell?"
7. "Six."
8. "If I had two faces, do you think I would wear this one?"

LAST WORDS I

Can you improve on these "last words" ?

1. Oscar Wilde to a notorious bore who said to him, "I passed your house yesterday."
2. Groucho Marx when asked, "Do you know what an extravaganza is?"
3. Winston Churchill to a woman who said to him, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your coffee."
4. A stewardess on a plane who told passenger Muhammad Ali---who had just won the heavy-weight boxing championship---that he had to fasten his seat belt. To which the champ said, "Superman don't need no seat belt."
5. Tonto's response to the Lone Ranger after the Masked Man says, "Tonto, there are Indians on all sides! They're closing in! We're surrounded!"
6. Winston Churchill's comment about a political rival.

Answers:

1. "Thank you."
2. "I ought to. I'm married to one."
3. "If I were your husband, I'd drink it."
4. "Superman don't need no plane."
5. "Why you say "we," White Man?"
6. "He's a modest man - with much to be modest about."