IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT - ARCHIVE IV

"Winners" and Dishonorable Mentions from the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest Archive

2000 

The lone monarch butterfly flew flutteringly through the cemetery, dancing on and glancing against headstone after headstone, before alighting atop Willie Mitchell's already lowered casket, causing gasps of awe to fly from the open mouths of five or six lingering mourners, until a big shovelful of dirt landed on it and it died. 

Julie Stangeland

Seal Beach, CA 

 

It was the classic conundrum - Marry Dirk, who truly lover her, or spend the summer in Iceland shoeing horses and teaching geodesic science to indigent zucchini farmers - but in the end she knew she knew she could only follow her heart, which was what brought her to the airport, passport in hand. 

 

Melissa Affolter

Marion, OH 

 

Dr. Doolittle's visage darkened as he dissected the diseased duodenum of the deceased male sheep, declaring that the malady was critically contagious and that it was our patriotic duty to guard the severed specimens from possible biological terrorists, so all through the night o'er the ram parts we watched.

 

Glen Wasson

San Andreas, CA 

 

It's hard to believe that Lucy and I are actually getting married, considering the fact that her multi-millionaire father owns the local NFL franchise, and I'm just a lowly, underpaid member of the grounds crew, relegated to painting the team logo on the field, which is actually a fairly difficult job, what with all the little flairs, curlicues and swooshes I have to deal with, not to mention the texture of the turf itself, relative humidity and all the foot traffic it gets . . . but I dye grass.

 

Wm. W. "Buddy" Ocheltree

Lilburn, GA 

 

Terry the Tarantula and Wendy the Wasp were cavorting together in the Flowery Meadow, (as they were the best of friends in all the Enchanted Forest of Miggly-Wompsley), when, all of a sudden, and with no warning whatsoever, Wendy accidentally stabbed Terry with her stinger, making her very sad for she knew that soon her poison would paralyze her friend and after a while her eggs would hatch inside him, and then her happy wriggling larva would slowly eat him alive, but Terry tried to smile and would have told her not to be sad as this was how the Circle of Life was continued, but he was in too much pain and, as I mentioned before, paralyzed.

 

Delano Lopez

Washington, D.C. 

 

It was a dark and stormy night as Jacque the baker slogged through the black cheerless alleyways of Avignon, the cold Provencal rain soaking him to the bone, increasing his fury at having chosen the life of a breadmaker, for the early hours truly went against his grain and it chaffed him that he trudged to work in wee hours of the morning while the rest of the world loafed in bed; what more proof did he need of his misery, why did he bother, surely it was not for the dough, exasperating as the rise and fall of the boulangerie's business might be, and suddenly he knew with conviction that he was, after all, just a gluten for punishment.

 

James Bardsley

Skillman, NJ 

 

It was a stork, and Darmy Knight, the intrepid, nearsighted veterinarian who was prone to making deliberate, yet rash decisions, thereby surprising his very impressionable and lovely, painfully shy, velvet-eyed assistant with whom he was secretly in love, in the operating room, particularly where large-billed waterfowl were concerned, especially this one, especially here, especially tonight, was confused.

 

Liane Allen

Andover, MA 

 

Although somewhat plump in appearance, Dolores had an unmistakable quality of grace and elegance that her loving husband once described as an "unmistakable quality of grace and elegance, despite her somewhat plump appearance."

 

Peter Cruickshank 

Hanover, Ontario 

 

Her low-cut, revealing gown was black - black like her heart, although not really because everyone knows that the heart is just an internal organ whose natural pigment is pink just like the lungs, except, of course, for the lungs of a long-time smoker which may be a black as her low-cut, revealing gown. 

 

Jennie Powell

Morgantown, WV 

 IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT - ARCHIVE III

"Winners" and Dishonorable Mentions from the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest Archive 

1996

"Ace, watch your head!" hissed Wanda urgently, yet somehow provocatively, through red, full, sensuous lips, but he couldn't you know, since nobody can actually watch more than part of his nose or a little cheek or lips if he really tries, but he appreciated her warning.

Janice Estey, Aspen, Colorado 

 

Because the Indians of the high Andes were believed to have little sense of humor, Professor Juan Lyner was amazed to hear this knee-slapper that had apparently been around for centuries at all the Inca hot spots: "Llama ask you this. Guanaco on a picnic? Alpaca lunch."

John L. Ashman, Houston, Texas 

 

The disillusionment of the members of the inner-city Boys' Club with their trip to the country began when they discovered that a hoe-down wasn't what they thought it would be.

Tom W. Glaser, Hollywood, Florida 

 

1997

The moment he laid eyes on the lifeless body of the nude socialite sprawled across the bathroom floor, Detective Leary knew she had committed suicide by grasping the cap on the tamper-proof bottle, pushing down and twisting while she kept her thumb firmly pressed against the spot the arrow pointed to, until she hit the exact spot where the tab clicks into place, allowing her to remove the cap and swallow the entire contents of the bottle, thus ending her life.

Artie Kalemeris, Fairfax, Virginia 

 

IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT - ARCHIVE II

"Winners" from the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest Archive

1988

Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek, shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit molding her body, which was as warm as seat covers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood; she was a woman who was driven - fueled by a single accelerant - and she needed a man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the right road, a man like Alf Romeo.

Author Unknown

 

1990

Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever skipping across smooth water, rippling water sporadically but oblivious to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, due to an overdose of fluoride as a child which caused her to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred-pound barbell in a steroid-free fitness center. 

Linda Vernon, Newark, CA 

 

2007

Gerald began - but was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him ten percent of his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a ten-mile radius of the eruption, not that it mattered much because for them "permanently" meant the next ten minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash - to pee.

Jim Gleeson, Madison, WI 

IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT - 2025 AND ARCHIVE I

Sadly, the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest has been discontinued as of March, 2025. Begun in 1983 and presided over for over four decades by Scott Rice, the contest celebrated the worst possible opening sentences to the worst possible novels. Rice cited his age and the burden of evaluating the thousands of entries as reasons for his retirement. 

As a continuing tribute to his work, that of his daughter EJ Rice, and the many "undistinguished" judges  of the past, I will post some of the "winners" from previous years.

1983

The camel died quite suddenly on the second day,  and Selena fretted sulkily and, buffing her already impeccable nails - not for the first time since the journey began - pondered snidely if this would dissolve into a vignette of minor inconvenience like all the other holidays spent with Basil.

Gail Cane, San Francisco, CA 

 

1986

The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and pleasant for those who hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.

Patricia E. Presutti, Lewiston, NY

 

1994

As the fading light of a dying day filtered through the window blinds, Roger stood over his victim with a smoking .45, surprised at the serenity that filled him after pumping six slugs into the bloodless tyrant that mocked him day after day, and then he shuffled out of the office with one last look at the shattered computer terminal lying there like a silicon armadillo left to rot on the information superhighway. 

Larry Brill, Austin, TX 

 

IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT - 2024

2024 - GRAND PRIZE

It was a dark and stormy night are the first words of an 1830 novel by Edward Bulwer-Lytton that have become a metaphor for bad writing. The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (BLFC) is an annual celebration of joyful, deliberately awful writing in which the "winners" are those who compose the worst possible opening sentence to a novel or other literary genre. For more information on the BLFC, please see the DARK AND STORMY NIGHT post of July 8, 2014.

From thousands of entries, the BLFC's Panel of Undistinguished Judges has chosen the following "Winners" and Dishonorable Mentions: 

2024 - Grand Prize 

She had a body that reached out and slapped my face like a five-pound ham-hock tossed form a speeding truck.

Lawrence Person, Austin, TX 

 

Adventure - Winner

As Nils Nordgrund struggled mightily treading water to stay afloat, while grimly watching from a distance the Norwegian oil tanker he captained slowly sink in the treacherously dark and stormy seas off Murmansk - he gave no thought to whether the Giants had any chance at a pennant win this year. 

Rex Allen, San Rafael, CA

Dishonorable Mention

However unlikely an event, Lucy's flight had made a water landing, and as she clutched her seat cushion, which was useable as a flotation device, she waited patiently for the life boats to pick up the Plutonium-class members, active military personnel, parents traveling with small children, and those passengers with special needs.

Joel Phillps, West Trenton, N.J.

Crime and Detective - Winner

She was poured into the red latex dress like Jello poured into a balloon, almost bursting at the seams, and her zaftig shape was awesome to behold, but I knew from the look on her face and the .45 she held pointing at me, that this was no standard client of my detective agency, but a new collection agency tactic to get me to pay my long over-due phone bill.

Jack Harnly, Sarasota, FL

 

Dishonorable Mention

That sweltering Friday evening she not so much walked but slithered into my shabby strip mall P.I. office, showing off all her curves, and I knew then I was in for a weekend of trouble because Dave's Reptile Emporium next door, from which the ball python had escaped, was closed until Monday.

Douglas Purdy, Roseville, CA

 

Purple Prose - Dishonorable Mention

Vera Windrush, ever the romantic, looked at the sea foam washed up on the shore, and imagined the life of some giant, seafaring marshmallow tragically cut short after being rammed by a Pacific Princess cruise liner. 

Art Ellis, Ottawa, Canada

Romance - Dishonorable Mention

Like looking for a missing needle in a haystack (a scenario Belinda had never quite grasped because of the absurdity of having a needle in a haystack in the first place since no one does needlepoint in a barn), the futility of searching for exemplary qualities in her ex left her exhausted and exasperated.

Ann Franklin, Lubbock, TX

Science Fiction - Winner

With the long-awaited legalization of human cloning and the availability of goodly amounts of the DNA of its founding fathers, America in 2035 found itself entering a new golden age - one in which Nathan Hale at last had more than one life to give for his country, Benjamin Franklin was on hand to get the damn Post Office back on track, and Alexander Hamilton could finally play himself on Broadway eight shows a week.

G. Andrew Lundberg, Los Angeles, CA

Vile Puns - Dishonorable Mention

After thousands of years of ruling the netherworld, the Devil was starting to show his age ....... and though it honestly didn't bother him that his horns were a bit less pointy, his wings a bit more droopy, and his fangs a bit less sharp - if anyone mentioned he was losing his hair, there would be hell toupee.

Mark Meiches, Dallas, TX

 

 

IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT - 2023

It was a dark and stormy night are the first words of an 1830 novel by Edward Bulwer-Lytton that have become a metaphor for bad writing. The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (BLFC) is an annual celebration of joyful, deliberately awful writing in which the "winners" are those who compose the worst possible opening sentence to a novel or other literary genre. For more information on the BLFC, please see the DARK AND STORMY NIGHT post of July 8, 2014.

From thousands of entries, the BLFC's Panel of Undistinguished Judges has chosen the following "Winners" and Dishonorable Mentions:

Grand Prize:

She was a beautiful woman; more specifically she was the kind of woman who had an hour-long skin care routine that made her look either ethereal or like a glazed donut, depending on how attracted to her you were. 

Maya Pasic, New York, NY

 

Grand Panjandrum's Special Award:

It was a sunny day in Los Angeles, hot and bright, and I was in my office, playing Mahjong against myself and losing, when she walked in, 120 pounds of dynamite, a blonde with legs that began at her ankles and ended in trouble.

Daniel Bradford, Lexington, KY 

 

Adventure - Winner:

The man closed his eyes as the blistering cold winds battered  his rugged face, his eyes darting about, desperately hoping, daring to dream that amidst the frozen wasteland, he would find the last Klondike  Bar that he had hidden in his freezer. 

Oliver Mauser, Jacksonville, FL

 

Children's Literature - Dishonorable Mentions:

Having attended Oktoberfest, taken in the beautiful foliage of New England, gone apple-picking, roamed through a corn maze, and visited a pumpkin patch, one thing was certain - Humpty Dumpty had a great Fall.

Mark Meiches, Dallas, TX

 

For the third time this week, Lassie dragged Timmy form the well, and while she performed CPR wondered when the Martins would  have the good sense to connect to the public water supply instead of living in their libertarian fantasy-world of-self-reliance. 

Joel Phillips, Weston Trenton, NJ 

 

Crime and Detective - Dishonorable Mention:

Chief Homicide Inspector Gerald "the Bloodhound" McClean regarded the list of victims - a corporate litigator, an investment banker, a hedge-fund founder, and a Tony-winning playwright - and wondered what he could make of their only identifiable connection: membership in the long-dispersed punk rock band John Vomit and the Leather Scabs, rare copies of whose only record, "Picked Off the Litter," now traded hands for a thousand bucks a pop on eBay.

G. Andrew Lundberg, LosAngeles, CA

 

Dark and Stormy:

 

The Inspiration:

It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents - except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is London that our story lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness. 

Edward Bulwer-Lytton

Paul Clifford

 

Dishonorable Mentions :

It was a dark and stormy night and the bitterly cold wind bit into her old bones like a chainsaw, the feeling of which she remembered sharply from the time she used one on her left arm to be excused forever from high school gym class. 

Judith W. Hughes, Bremerton, WA

 

It was a dark and stormy night and, having only cans of chili, corn, and sauerkraut in my meager larder, I mixed my supper, knowing that if the electricity went out I, at least, would have gas.

Michael Karasik, Novato, CA

Historical Fiction - Dishonorable Mention:

Sitting on the saloon stool, Cody downed some liquid courage before reading what he thought would be grim news about his brother at the Battle of Shiloh, but the telegram turned out to be from that mysterious company who kept offering to extend his horse warranty. 

Douglas Purdy, Roseville, CA 

 

Purple Prose - Winner:

She was just like Greta, who'd poisoned her family, burned down my house, bombed six embassies, and used a gun on anyone she wanted: short.

Frederick Ankowski, Santa Monica, CA 

 

Dishonorable Mention:

Having sent his wife Rosemary to their cabin (for it was an unlit and turbulent night at sea), Basil maintained his position at the helm while the driving rain peppered his graying ginger hair, and the old salt thought sagely that it was a good thing he was a well-seasoned sailor.

Donna Parsons, Tulsa, OK

Romance - Winner:

It was love at first sight - he was tall and broad-shouldered, with a dimpled smile, twinkling green eyes, and in keeping with his combination of statistically unlikely but alluring features, type AB blood, and that condition where cilantro tastes like soap.

Ananya Benegal, St.Louis, MO 

Dishonorable Mention:

Tom and Sarah basked in the glow of the fire and new love, watching the flames dance a seductive rumba and listening to the dry oak and cedar logs snap, crackle, and pop not entirely unlike a bowl of Rice Krispies cereal in a bowl of cold 2% milk.

 

Dishonorable Mention: 

That night she looked like a million dollars, which, when considering the sum of her lifetime outlay on her cosmetic surgery, her wardrobe, her hair and make-up, and her jewelry, was a poor return, indeed a hefty deficit.

Joseph Williams Devizes, Wiltshire, England

Dishonorable Mention:

They had gone through fire and ice to be together, but the general mood of the wedding would have been improved if he wasn't suffering from second-degree burns and she hadn't lost several toes to frostbite.

Eliza Frost, Bellingham, WA

 

Vile Puns - Winner: 

While she had no regrets about throwing the lever to douse her husband's mistress in molten gold, Blanche did feel a pang of conscience for the innocent bystanders whose proximity had caused them to suffer gilt by association.

Adam Chmelka, Olathe, KS

 

Odious Outliers - Dishonorable Mention:

The clouds drifted lazily through the crystal blue sky like cotton candy from last summer's county fair except that if a plane flew into cotton candy the engine would ingest so much sugar that it would lock up the engine and force the pilot to make an emergency landing, perhaps in the river below where the body of a white male in his mid 50's with no identification floated face down, which is where our story begins.

Ken Hill, Elkville, IL
 

 

 

 

 

 

BULWER - LYTTON FICTION CONTEST - 2023

"Wherefore art thou?" she whines, like she don't know wherefore I art, when I damned sure told her like 50 times the old man makes me work the bar every Saturday night, like the Montague Lounge can't survive without me!

John Hardi, Falls Church, VA

************************

Having attended Oktoberfest, taken in the beautiful foliage of New England, gone apple-picking, roamed through a corn maze, and visited a pumpkin patch, one thing was certain - Humpty Dumpty had a great Fall.

Mark Meiches, Dallas, TX

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He wasn't superficial; in fact, he couldn't even swim.

Josh Boyd, Seattle, WA

************************

"Brawl, grapple, battle, spar, roughhouse, clash, combat, altercation, dust up," the drunken cowpoke grunted at the lawman, a wobbly hand dangling above his pistol like a spider waiting to descend upon a helpless fly, but Sheriff Thesaurus only stared him down coldly and responded through gritted teeth: "Mister, them's fightin' words." 

Donald J. Hicks, Manchester, NJ

IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT  - 2022

Below are some "winners" of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction contest of 2022. Please see the DARK AND STORMY NIGHT post of JULY 8, 2014 for an explanation of this contest. (Short version: Write the worst possible opening sentence to a novel.)

Grand Prize

I knew she was trouble the second she walked into my 24-hour deli, laundromat, and detective agency, and after dropping a load of unmentionables in one of the heavy-duty machines (a mistake that would soon turn deadly) she turned to me, asking for two things: find her missing husband and make her a salami on rye with spicy mustard, breaking into tears when I told her I couldn't help - I was fresh out of salami.

John Farmer

Aurora, Colorado

 

Adventure - Winner

"Hoist the mainsail, ye accursed swine," shouted the Captain over the roar of the waves as the ship was tossed like a cork dropped from a wine bottle into a jacuzzi when the faucet is open and the jets are running full blast and one has just settled into the water with a glass of red wine to ease the aches and pains after a day of hard labor raking leaves from the front yard.

Joe Tussey

Daniels, West Virginia 

Children's Literature - Dishonorable Mention

These stories, my children, are about Prince Charming and his three girlfriends: Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, and Cinderella.

Emily Ho

Los Angeles, California

Dishonorable Mention

The director of Child Protective Services was aghast, and needed clarification, "Let me get this straight - You were rocking your baby in the tree top, and when the wind blew, the cradle rocked and the bough broke, the cradle fell, and down came baby, cradle and all?"

JohnTracy

Palm Desert, California

Crime and Detective

The detectives wore booties, body suits, hair nets, masks, and gloves, and longed for the good old they days when they could poke a corpse with the toes of their wingtips if they damn well felt like it.

Jim Anderson

Flushing Michigan

Dark and Stormy - The Inspiration

It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents - except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.

First sentence of Paul Clifford

Edward Bulwer-Lytton

It was a dark and stormy night, made darker still by the melancholy that gripped the drainpipes of my soul in a plumber's wrench of despair that opened the U-trap of my consciousness to remove the last, great greaseball of hope.

Jim Anderson

Flushing, Michigan

Purple Prose - Dishonorable Mention

"The clouds resembled a roll of runaway toilet paper that unspooled  itself into a massive, fluffy pile, the sound of the lighting banged like hundreds of inadvertently dropped toilet seats, and the rain quickly flooded the street and spilled over the curb like a toilet clogged with who-know-what," reported eye-witness to the sudden storm and flash flood Steve Talbot of Steve's Plumbing. 

Mark Meiches

Dallas, Texas

Romance - Dishonorable Mention

Tony Angel walked Fiona back to the car and handed her the leash - if only he hadn't thrown the ball so hard; it had marred an otherwise perfect date on the White Cliffs of Dover.

Lizzie Nelson

Wheaton, Illinois

Gloria's feeling for Boris were nowadays like the warm affection you feel for a pet dog, not a boisterous, extroverted dog, but a cuddly, slightly lethargic dog, or even an old cat that sleeps all day in its favorite spot so that most of the time you hardly even realize it's there until one day it just dies without warning, rather than the fiery, intense passion of their early years together.

Terry Drapes

Brisbane, Queensland, Australia

Odious Outliers

Apart from his undergraduate degree in Art History and several years under the tutelage of Simone d'Poisson, pre-eminent Monet scholar at the Louvre, truckin' was all Billy knew.

Mike Christensen

Washington, D.C.

Life on a hardscrabble fourth-generation family farm in the dust bowl of western Kansas was no picnic, thought Hank Metzger as he wearily took his seat at the kitchen table, and sure enough, here was your proof - first to play, and seven consonants staring dully up at him from his tile rack.

G. Andrew Lundberg

Los Angeles, California

IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT

From Reader's Digest

December, 2013

 

[Submission to Bulwe-Lytton Fiction Contest]

[Date unknown]

By Jordan Kaderli

 

Betty had eyes that said come here, lips that said kiss me, arms and torso that said hold me all night long, but the rest of her body said, Fillet me, cover me in cornmeal, and fry me in peanut oil; romance wasn't easy for a mermaid.

 

 

 

 

IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT - 2021

Below are some "winners" of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest of 2021. Please see the DARK AND STORMY NIGHT post of JULY 8, 2014 for an explanation of this contest. 

 

Grand Prize

A lecherous sunrise flaunted itself over a flatulent sea, ripping the obsidian bodice of night asunder with its rapacious fingers of gold, thus exposing her dusky bosom to the dawn's ogling stare.

Stu Duval 

Auckland, New Zealand

 

Dark & Stormy - Dishonorable Mention

It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in Torrance, but not in nearby Rancho Palos Verdes, which is unusual, considering the two towns' proximity.

Steve Lauducci

Bethlehem, PA

Western - Winner

After commandeering the Black Dog Saloon for a day and a half to lay out every map, zoning ordinance, and land deed in the Territory, and after checking and rechecking their cartographic calculations, Tumbleweed Mulligan and Johnny (Trigger) McAllister were forced to admit that there just might be enough room in this town for both of them.

Ben Connor

Wilmington, Delaware

Children's Literature

Even though Bambi the deer grew up to be a sleek and powerful 10-point buck, the other deer frequently chided him about his name, which was a perfectly fine name for a cocktail waitress, but not so much for a male deer.

Greg Homer

San Vito, Costa Rica

Crime and Detective

The Big Joe Palooka murder wasn't just another killing, another, homicide, another manslaughter, another slaying, another hit, another whack, another rubbing-out, another bumping-off, another assassination, another liquidation, another extermination, another execution - but it was nothing new for Johnny Synonymous, Obsessive - Compulsive Crime Fighter.

Paul Scheeler

Buffalo, New York

Odious Outliers

After discovering a business like show business, newly confident Drs. Frankenstein and Jekyll applied for another experimental research grant as they began their quest to find something like a dame. 

James Romag

Colorado Springs, Colorado

IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT - 2020

Below are some "winners" from the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest of 2020. Please see DARK AND STORMY NIGHT post of JULY 8, 2014 for an explanation of this contest.

Grand Prize

Her Dear John missive flapped unambiguously in the windy breeze, hanging like a pizza menu on the doorknob of my mind.

Lisa Kluber, San Francisco

Grand Panjandrum's Special Award

As hard-nosed P.I. Dan McKinnon stepped out into the gray gritty dawn, a bone-chilling gust of filth-strewn wind wrapped the loose ends of his trench coat around him like a day-old flour tortilla around a breakfast burrito with hash browns, sausage, and scrambled eggs, hold the pico.

Lisa Hanks, Euless, Texas

Western - Dishonorable Mention

Out in the West Texas town of El Paso, I fell in love with a female undocumented immigrant.

Steve Lynch, Tucson, Arizona

Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mention

Having lost part of her left ear while working in a circus knife-throwing act during the summer between her junior and senior years, Karen felt all the more re-assured about her decision to major in statistics, but she couldn't help but to ponder the probability of regaining physical symmetry were she to return to the circus for one more summer after she graduated.

Steve Cormier, Slatington, Pennsylvania

Vile Puns - Dishonorable Mention

Enid shrewdly considered the lushness of litigation for copyright infringement as she once more reviewed her genealogical studies which revealed that her aunt, Senta Berger, whose first husband was Gregor Mendel and second was Carl Czerny made her a Senta Mendel Czerny. 

F. Michael Angelo, Plowville, Pennsylvania

IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT

The following piece was selected by Scott Rice, coordinator of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest. It appeared in Reader's Digest in 2009.

   "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned unblemished oval face framed with lustrous, thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."

 

IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT - 2019

Below are some "winners" from the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest of 2019. Please see DARK AND STORMY NIGHT post of JULY 8, 2014 for an explanation of this contest.

Grand Panjandrum's Special Award
Emile Zola wandered the dank and soggy streets of a gloomy Parisian night, the injustice of the Dreyfus affair weighing on him like a thousand baguettes, dreaming of some massage or therapy to relieve the tension and pain in his aching shoulders and back, and then suddenly he thought of  his Italian friends and their newly invented warm water bath with air jets and he rapturously exclaimed that oft misquoted declaration - - - "Jacuzzi!"
Robert R. Moore, North Falmouth, MA

Romance - Dishonorable Mention
Gregory was falling in love with the doe-eyed Nora, not knowing that she could be an infuriating, complicated woman at times, like one of those self-service checkout machines at the grocery store where you can never figure out where to insert the money or get your change, plus the scanner never recognizes your jar of Vlasic sweet pickles so you have to call the attendant.
Steve Lynch, Tucson, AZ

Historical Fiction - Winner
Contrary to public opinion, Jehosephat - the 9th-century (BCE) king of Judah who reigned for twenty-five mostly peaceful years yet is mostly known for his defeat of the Moabites at Elin Gedi in 849 BCE - rarely jumped.
Dave Beck, El Cerrito, CA

Vile Puns - Winner
After purchasing an oval frying pan at the diminutive British aristocrat's yard sale, Nigel realized that he'd just taken a long wok off a short peer.
Bart King, Portland, Oregon

IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT: 2015 - 2016

Below are some "winners" from the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest of 2015 - 2016. Please see the DARK AND STORMY NIGHT post of July 8, 2014 for an explanation of this contest.


2015
Children's Literature - Winner
The doctors all agreed the inside of Charlie's intestinal tract looked like some dark, dank subway system in a decaying inner city, blackened polyps hanging from every corner like tiny ticking terrorist time bombs, waiting to burst forth in cancerous activity; however, to Timmy the Tapeworm, this was home.
E. David Moulton, Summerville, SC

Dishonorable Mention
Jacob and Elisa had been warned by their parents on numerous occasions never to venture into the Amber Woods after dark or risk some vague and unspoken fate once within the trees, so they didn't and just played in their front yards instead.
Eric Lorrenz, Phoenix, AZ

Western
Spurs a-jangling, Black Bert sauntered to the bar and cried "this town ain't big enough!" - then gulped a whisky, fingered his six-shooter, and belched - "so I say we annex Dry Gulch, thus increasing our tax base while simultaneously reducing fixed costs through economies of scale.
Joel Phillips, West Trenton, NJ

Vile Puns
Locals know it as Pinocchio Rock, because it's shaped like a proboscis, and lies at the edge of the cliff.
John Holmes, St. Petersburg, FL

2016
Purple Prose - Winner
She was like my ex-girlfriend Ashley, who'd stolen my car, broken my heart, murdered my father, robbed a bank, and set off a pipe bomb in Central Park - tall.
Rachel Nirenbeg,Toronto, Canada

Dishonorable Mention
When Margie told me we were going to rob the jewelry store instead of going for pedicures, my mind bent under the weight of it all like a cheap paper plate at a family barbecue when it is filled with all the wet heavy stuff like baked beans and sauerkraut.
Dorothy Harbeck, Fair Haven, NJ 

Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mention
As the first shovelful of earth fell on her father's coffin, Emily kneeled at the graveside sobbing, overwrought by the sudden realization that, not only had she lost her only living relative, but she had somehow forgotten to set her DVR to record this week's episode of "House of Cards," an episode she had particularly wanted to see because of a rumored and breathlessly anticipated guest appearance by a nephew of Don Ho.
Rob Rachlin, Greensboro, NC



 

IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT - 2012

Below are some "winners" from the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest of 2012. Please see the DARK AND STORMY NIGHT post of July 8, 2014 for an explanation of this contest.

2012
Winner
As he told her he loved her she gazed into his eyes, wondering, as she noticed the infestation of eyelash mites burrowing into his follicles to eat the greasy sebum therein, each female laying up to 25 eggs in a singe follicle, causing inflammation, whether the eyes are truly the windows of the soul; and, if so, his soul needed regrouting.
Cathy Bryant, Manchester, England

Purple Prose
Corinne considered the colors (palest green, gray, and lavender) and texture ( downy as the finest velvet) and wondered, "How long have these cold cuts been in my refrigerator?"
Linda Boatright, Omaha, NE

Dishonorable Mention
Haley's crystal eyes surveyed the vista that stretched in front of her like a vast comforter tossed over the form of a slumbering giant to the hills that rose abruptly like the hastily drawn up knees of the giant when he has to reach down and rub the cramp out of his foot that he experiences when he's stretching underneath his vast comforter.
Robin Siepel, Bakersfield, CA

Romance
"Your eyes are like deep blue pools that I would like to drown in," he told Kimberly when she had asked him what he was thinking; but what  he was actually thinking was that he had to recharge his cell phone and take that check to the storage place, but he wasn't going to tell her that.
Dan Leyde, Edmonds, WA

Vile Puns 
The two power-hungry, twenty-something biographers met with me incognito and settled on penning my memoirs, one on a percentage of future sales, and one on up-front remuneration; so there was one yuppie I pay, one yuppie I owe, ghostwriters in disguise.
Peter Bjorkman, Rocklin, CA

IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT: 2010 - 2011

Below are some "winners" of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest of 2010 - 2011. Please see the DARK AND STORMY NIGHT post of July 8, 2014 for an explanation of this contest.

2010
Detective
She walked into my office wearing a body that would make a man write bad checks, but in this paperless age you would first have to obtain her ABA Routing Transit and Account numbers, and then disable your own Overdraft Protection in order to so. 
Steve Lynch, San Marcos, CA

Romance
She purred sensually, oozing allure that was resisted only by his realization as an entomologist that the protein dust on the couch from the filing of her crimson nails was now being devoured by dust mites in a clicking, ferocious, ecstatic frenzy.
Jonathan Blay, Bedford, NS, Canada

Cynthia had washed her hands of Philip McIntyre - not like you wash your hands in a public restroom when everyone is watching to see if you washed your hands, but like washing your hands after you have been working in the garden and there is dirt under your fingernails - dirt like Philip McIntyre.
Linda Boatright

2011
Romance
She gazed smolderingly at the mysterious rider, his body cloaked in enough shining black leather to outfit an Italian furniture store, wrapped so tightly each muscle stood out like a flamboyant hairdresser at an Alabama monster truck rally; and he met her gaze with an intensity that couldn't have been matched by a junkyard dog in the meat aisle of a supermarket.
Chris Kemp, Annapolis, MD

Purple Prose
The Los Angeles morning was heavy with smog, the word being a portmanteau of smoke and fog, though in LA the pollutants are typically vehicular emissions as opposed to actual smoke and fog, unlike 19th century London where the smoke from countless small coal fires often combined with the fog off the Thames to produce true smog, though back then they were not clever enough to call it that.
Jack Barry, Shelby, NC

The wind whispering through the pine trees and the sun reflecting off Lake Tahoe like a scattering of diamonds was an idyllic setting, while to the south the same sun struggled to penetrate a sky choked with farm dust and car exhaust over Bakersfield, a town spread over the lower San Joaquin Valley like a brown stain on a wino's trousers, which is where, unfortunately, this story takes place.
Dennis Doberneck,

Vile Puns 
Convinced that the lost treasure of Eggsbury was concealed within the statue of the beloved Sister Mary Francis in the village square, Professsor Smithee would steal away in the darkest hour of each night and try to chip away at her impervious granite vestment - a vain and fruitless nightly exercise, he well knew, but it was a hard habit to break.
Rodey Reed, Ooltewah, TN

Western
Sunburned and lost, Jake tightened the noose around Randy's snow-white neck and growled, "Any last words, varmint?" to which Randy replied, "Don't be afraid to go out on a limb, Jake - that's where all the fruit is!" which marked the first and last time Jake and the boys hired a life coach to lead one of their cattle drives.
Lisa Kluber, San Francisco, CA

Dishonorable Mention 
The beast lumbered toward the maiden, its fetid breath announcing its presence to her (since she couldn't see him due to the blindfold her captors had tied around her head), its jaws gaping open like a sub sandwich with too much meat, so that no matter how hard you try, you can't possibly keep the lettuce or tomatoes from squeezing out onto the table, or worse, your lap.
Donna P. Titus, Freeland, PA

IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT - 2009

Below are some "winners" of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest of 2009. Please see the DARK AND STORMY NIGHT post from July 8, 2014 for an explanation of this contest.

Adventure
How best to pluck the exquisite Toothpick of Ramses from between a pair of acrimonious vipers before the demonic Guards of Nicobar returned should have held Indy's full attention, but in the back of his mind he still wondered why all the others who had agreed to take part in his wife's holiday scavenger hunt had been assigned to find stuff like a Phillips screwdriver or blue masking tape.
Joe Wyatt, Amarillo, TX

Detective
She walked into my office on legs as long as one of those long-legged birds you see in Florida - the pink ones, not the white ones - except that she was standing on both of them, not just one of them, like those birds, the pink ones, and she wasn't wearing pink, but I knew right away that she was trouble, which those birds usually aren't.
Eric Rice, Sun Prairie, WI

Romance
He slowly ran his fingers through her long black hair, which wasn't really black because she used Preference by L'Oreal (because "she was worth it."); her carrot-colored roots were starting to show, and it reminded him of the time he'd covered his car's check engine light with black electrical tape, but a faint orange glow still shone around the edges.
Lisa Mileusnich, Willoughby, OH

Their relationship hit a bump in the road, not the low, graceful kind of bump reminiscent of a child's choo choo train-themed roller coaster, rather the kind of tall, narrow speed-bump that, if a school bus ran over it, would cause even a fat kid to bounce up and hit his head on the ceiling.
Michael Reade, Durham, NC

Dishonorable Mentions
No man is an island, so they say, although the small crustaceans and the bird which sat impassively on Dirk Manhope's chest as he floated lazily in the pool would probably disagree.
Glen Robins, Brighton, East Sussex, U.K.

On a lovely day during one of the finest Indian Summers anyone could remember - a season the Germans call "old wives' summer," obviously never having had Native Americans to name things after, but plenty of old wives, and "Indian summer" in German would refer to the natives of India in any case, which would make even less sense than the current naming system - on such a day, however named, John Baxter fell in the creek, and, on stepping out, dripping wet, with that brackish,  polluted water, cursed like a drunken sailor.
Deanna Stewart, Heidelberg, Germany

IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT - 2008

Below are some "winners" from the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest of 2008. Please see the DARK AND STORMY NIGHT post from July 8, 2014 for an explanation of this contest.

Romance
Bill swore the affair had ended, but Louise knew he was lying, after discovering Tupperware containers under the seat of his car, which were not the off-brand containers that she bought to save money, but authentic, burpable, lidded Tupperware; and she knew he would see that woman again, because unlike the flimsy, fake containers that should always be recycled responsibly, real Tupperware must be returned to its rightful owner.
Jeanne Villa, Novato, CA

Science Fiction
Timothy Hanson, Commander of the 43rd Space Regiment in the 52nd Battalion on board the USAOPAC (United Space Alliance of Planets Attack Carrier) and second in command to Admiral L.R. Morris of the USAOPSC (United Space Alliance of Planets Space Command), awoke early for breakfast.
Joe Schulman, Cartersville, GA

The dual-headed Zhiltoids, from Beta Quadrant in the Crab Nebula, who lived entirely on a diet of steaming hot asphalt, thought they had died and gone to heaven upon landing in the Midtown Mall of Fresno, California on planet Earth in the month they call "July".
Gregory Homer, Sacramento, CA

Vile Puns
Vowing revenge on his English teacher for making him memorize Wordsworth's "Intimations of Immortality," Warren decided to pour sugar in her gas tank, but he inadvertently grabbed a sugar substitute so it was actually Splenda in the gas.
Becky Mushko, Penhook, VA

Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mention
It was a dark and stormy night, except when the lightning flashed, because then it wasn't dark; it sort of turned the windows into a giant disco ball for a moment, but eventually the thunder and lightning stopped and it settled down to a steady light rain, so then it really was dark, but it would probably be a stretch to call it stormy.
Laura Loomis, Pittsburg, CA 

Carey, unnerved by an affair that had suffered through weeks of volatility, walked unsteadily, her dress etching complex Spirograph-like designs in the fine patina of dust along the antiquated floor, to a rose-scented box of love letters in a vain attempt to find solace, like a security fund trying to find liquidity in the U.S. sub-prime mortgage market.
Ray Pasimio, Chicago, IL

The tiny boat got tossed around on the ocean like a pinball in a pinball game played by a player who was really good at hitting all of those bumper things to get a really high score.
Maile Valentine, Lakeland, FL

IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT -  2005 - 2007

Below are some "winners" from the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest. Please see the DARK AND STORMY NIGHT post from July 8, 2014 for an explanation of this contest.

2005
Detective
   The double agent looked up from his lunch of Mahi-Mahi and couscous and realized that he must escape from Walla Walla to Bora Bora to come face-to-face with his arch enemy by taking out his
.30-.30 and shooting off his nemesis' ear-to-ear grin so he could wave bye-bye to this duplicitous life, but the chances of his pulling this off were only so-so, much less than 50-50.
Charles Jaworski, North Pole, AK

Vile Puns
       Falcon was her name and she was quite the bird of prey, sashaying past her adolescent admirers from one anchor store to another, past the kiosks where earrings longed to lie upon her lobes and sunglasses hoped to nestle on her nose, seemingly the beginning of a beautiful friendship with whomsoever caught the eye of the mall tease, Falcon.
Jay Dardenne, Baton Rouge, LA

2006
Western
   "I know what you're thinking, punk," hissed Wordy Harry to his new editor, "you're thinking, 'Did he use six superfluous adjectives, or only five?' - and to tell the truth, I forgot myself in all this excitement; but being as this is English, the most powerful language in the world, whose subtle nuances will blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' - well do you, punk?"
Stuart Vasepuru, Edinburgh, Scotland

2007
   Gerald began - but was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him ten percent of his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a ten-mile radius of the eruption, not that it mattered much because for them "permanently" meant the next ten minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash - to pee.
Jim Gleeson, Madison, WI

   He was often found lurking behind the bakery, begging for scraps and practicing his rap, which is why he was known locally, as the synonym bum.
Ed Harrison, Lyman, ME

Western
   The easy and comforting roll of the saddle was second nature to Luke, and as  he gazed off into the distant setting sun, he wondered if he had enough change for one more ride at the supermarket before he had to return to the home.
Glenn Lawrie, Chungnam, South Korea

   Hector had just met Sabina minutes before, and yet there they were, knees touching, faces just inches apart  in the dimly-lit room, and her gazing deeply into his eyes, which should not have been a surprise to either of them given that she was an opthalmologist and he was a boxer whose left retina may have become detached the night before when "Mad Dog" Washington clocked him with a vicious right cross.
Ray Campbell, Redwood Shores, CA

IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT - 2003

Below are some "winners" from the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest. Please see the DARK AND STORMY NIGHT post from July 8, 2014 for an explanation of this contest.

2003
On his fourth day of his exploration of the Amazon, Byron climbed out of his inner tube, checked the latest news on his personal digital assistant (hereafter PDA) outfitted with wireless technology, and realized that the gnawing he felt in his stomach was not fear- no, he was not afraid, rather elated - nor was it tension - no, he was actually rather relaxed - so it was in all probability a parasite.
Chuck Keelan

The prince looked down on the motionless form of Sleeping Beauty, wondering how her supple lips would feel against his own and contemplating whether or not an Altoid was strong enough to stand up against the kind of morning breath only a hundred years' nap could create.
Lynne Sella

Our story begins in the farthest reaches of the frozen tundra where, due to the axillary convergence of the solar angle of incidence and the latitudinal reflective attitude of the quiescent magnetospheric  photoreceptors, it stays light for a really long time.
Marsha Engelbrecht

On holiday in Paris, France, we watched the Parisians sing and dance and soon they made us feel so good we fell into the festive mood of that city's cheerful pace that keeps a smile upon your face where there's such a lot to do and see, but it's hard to find a place to pee.
Walter Hamp

With a shriek like a damned soul tormented by a thousand devils, or by one really mean devil, not the underachiever kind that just stands idly around occasionally providing a pitchfork poke to a soul turning on a spit, but more like the kind who ducks ahead of you in Hell's only 10-items-or-less aisle with thirteen items and spend all eternity paying for them with an out-of-state check while standing on your toe the whole time with his cloven hoof, yeah, that kind of devil, and that kind of shriek: the vegetable grinder jammed on a particularly burly spud.
Arthur Helm

Holly had reached the age and level of maturity to  comprehend the emotional nuances of Thomas Wolfe's assertion "you can't go home again," but in her case it was even more poignant because there was no home to return to: her parents had separated, sold the house, euthanized Bowser, and disowned Holly for dropping out of high school to marry that 43-year-old manager of Trailer Town in Idaho - and even their trailer wasn't a place she could call home because it was only a summer sublet.
Eileen Ostrow

Outside, the rain fell ceaselessly, making a hollow sound on the old slate roof - thwack, thwack, thwack - as the bare branches of the ancient tree clawed at the panes of the mullioned window - scritch, scritch, scritch - and the broken gate repeatedly slammed the gate post - clack, clack, clack - while inside Edgar Blackmoor and his apple-cheeked young cousin, Annabelle Gray, watched the old German clock- tick, tick, tick - had their milk and tea - sip, sip, sip - and diverted themselves with endless games of whist - slap, slap, slap.
Deanna Ledgett

Our story begins, as very few do, in the diabolically clever town of Torrington, Alberta where the Gopher Hole Musuem, displaying 71 adorable yet eerie stuffed gophers dressed up to resemble the townspeople, has attracted so much tourists that when a Torrington home goes on the market, it sells in less than six years.
Joanne Morcom

"Failure" was simply not a word that would ever cross the lips of Miss Evelyn Duberry, mainly because Evelyn, a haughty socialite with fire-red hair and a coltish gait, could pronounce neither the letters "f" nor "r" as a result of an unfortunate kissing gesture made many years earlier toward her beloved childhood parrot, Snippy.
David Kenyon