STATE JOKES VI

NEW YORK

From Reader's Digest

Contributed by Dan Anderson

 

   Carpenters from California, Missouri, and New York showed up at the White House for a tour. The chief guard welcomed them with special enthusiasm because the front gates were in need of repair. He asked each carpenter to come up with a bid. The California carpenter measured and figured and finally said, " Well, $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me, $900 total." The guard nodded and turned to the carpenter from Missouri.

   That man took out his tape measure and a pencil, and after some calculating said, "It'll cost $700 - $300 each for materials and my crew, and $100 profit for me." The guard thanked the man and turned to the carpenter from New York.

   Without hesitation, the New Yorker said, "This job will run $2,700."

   The guard gasped. "You didn't even measure or do any calculating," he replied. "How do you figure it'll be so expensive?"

   "Simple," said the New York carpenter. "1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Missouri."

From Reader's Digest

Contributed by David S. Tascarella

 

   Three dozen employees from around the country were sent to California for a training seminar on some equipment we would be using. At dinner one evening, the participants were asked to tell where they were from and what they did.  A man seated in the middle of the table said that  he worked for a chemical plant in New Jersey. "New Jersey?" echoed the facilitator, who was a California lawyer. "How is it that California ended up with  all the lawyers and New Jersey has all the toxic-waste dumps?" he asked.

   The Garden Stater answered: "New Jersey had first pick."

 

STATE JOKES V

MONTANA

WYOMING 

NORTH CAROLINA

 

   Four women are driving across the country together, each one from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Montana, and California. Shortly after the trip begins, the woman from Idaho pulls a bag of potatoes from her suitcase and throws them out the window. "Why did you do that?" ask the woman from Nebraska. 

   "We have so many of these in Idaho, I'm sick of looking at them."

   A moment later, the woman from Nebraska pulls out a dozen ears of corn from her suitcase and tosses them out the window. "Why did you do that?" asks the woman from Montana. 

   "We have so many of these in Nebraska. I'm sick of looking at them."

   Inspired, the woman from Montana opens the car door and kicks the Californian out. 

On his first trip to Boston, the North Carolinian met a girl at a bar and asked her, "Do you go to Harvard?"

   The girl responded, "Yale."

   "Okay, DO YOU TO HARVARD?"

Q: Why do Wyoming cowboys turn up the sides on their cowboy hats?

A: So that three people can fit in the pickup.

 

STATE JOKES IV

ILLINOIS

MISSISSIPPI

NEW YORK

NEWJERSEY

 

This is how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I like the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough."

 

Q. How do you know when you're staying in a Mississippi hotel?

A. You call the front desk and say, "I've got a leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says,    "Go ahead." 

New York is the city that never sleeps - and looks like it.

Three contractors bid on a minor fence-repair job at the White House. The first contractor, from Florida, comes in with a bid of $1,000: $400 for material, $400 for labor, and $200 profit. The second contractor, from Tennessee, says he'll do the same job for $800: $300 for material, $300 for labor, and $200 profit.

Then comes the contractor from New Jersey, who submits a bid for $100,800. "Why so much," asks the startled government official. "Well," says the contractor, "I figure $50,000 for me, $50,000 for you, and $800 for the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

Credit:

Reader's Digest 

January, 2009

 

STATE JOKES III

IOWA

LOUISIANA

MAINE

MICHIGAN

 

Q. What do you call 100 John Deeres circling a McDonald's in Iowa? 

A. Prom night

Q. What's the difference between a Louisiana zoo and other zoos?

A. The Louisiana zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

 

A wealthy New Yorker, fashionably dressed for the wilderness, walks up to a Maine lobsterman. "I see you're using fish bait for lobsters. You think it's good? he asks. "No," answered the lobsterman, "but the lobsters do."

Q. What do you call 40 guys in Michigan watching the Super Bowl on television?

A. The Detroit Lions

 

Credit:

Reader's Digest 

September, 2008

January, 2009

STATE JOKES II

COLORADO

CONNECTICUT

KANSAS

 

Q: How do you know you're in the presence of a real Coloradan?

A: He carries his $8,000 bike on top of his $800 car.

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Q: What's the difference between Massachusetts and Connecticut? 

A: The Kennedys don't own Connecticut.

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Q: What do a jack-knifed semi driver in Ohio, a guy getting a divorce in Alabama, and a Kansas family in a tornado have in common?

A: They're all fixin' to lose a trailer.

Credit:

Reader's Digest

January, 2009 

STATE JOKES I

 

ALABAMA

ALASKA

ARIZONA

 

When a visitor to a town in Alabama spotted a dog attacking a boy, he grabbed the dog and throttled it with his bare hands. An impressed reporter saw the incident and told him the next day's headline would scream "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal." 

"I'm not from this town," said the hero.

"Then," the reporter said, "it will say, 'Alabama Man Saves Child by Killing Dog.' "

"Actually," said the man, "I'm from New Hampshire."

 

"In that case," the reporter grumbled, "the headline will be 'Yankee Kills Family Pet.' " 

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An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, "Where were you on the night of October to April? 

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It' so hot in Arizona, the trees and fire hydrants are competing for dogs.

Credit:

Reader's Digest 

January, 2009