LIFE IN  THESE UNITED STATES V

From Reader's Digest 

October, 2021 

My husband surprised me with a night out to celebrate the anniversary of our first date. I was reminded of the man I fell in love with. We arrived at the theater and learned the movie was playing at a different location a full hour earlier. I was reminded of the man I married.

LIFE IN THESE UNITED STATES IV

From Reader's Digest

September, 2022

Submitted by Bryan Iselt

Lexington, Texas

 

The guy in front of me in the grocery store checkout line was buying just three things: a case of beer, a carton of cigarettes, and a gallon of milk. The total came to $75. He stood there for a moment in disbelief before asking the cashier, "How much was that milk?"

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From Reader's Digest

Submitted by @mommajessiec

I've never meditated. The closest I've come to thinking about nothing for 30 minutes is the time my husband talked about his fantasy football league.

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From Reader's Digest

September, 2022

Submitted by @darlainky

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside and clean the erasers...

 

 

LIFE IN THESE UNITED STATES III

From Reader's Digest 

Contributed by Tiffany Brown 

Blue Springs, Missouri

   I eavesdropped on two of my language arts students. The first one asked, "Did you warsh your hands?" 

   "It's not warsh, it's wash," said the other. "The r is silent."

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From Reader's Digest

Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon 

Newark, Delaware

I just watched by dog chase his tail for ten minutes, and I thought to myself, Wow, dogs are easily entertained. Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes.

LIFE IN THESE UNITED STATES II

Reader's Digest 

Quoted by Garrison Keeler on

"A Praire Home Companion"

Minnesota Public Radio

   Buck, a rancher in Montana, hated to wear a seat belt, but one day he spotted a state policeman behind him and decided to quickly put one one. "Here, take the wheel," he told his wife. She did, but it was too late, and the trooper pulled them over. 

   "I noticed you weren't wearing your seat belt," the officer said.

   "Yes, I was," the rancher said, "but don't take my word for it. Ask my wife."

   "So how about it, ma'am?" the state policeman asked. "Was he wearing it?"

   "Officer, I've been married to Buck for 20 years," she replied. "And one thing I've learned in all that time is: never argue with him when he's drunk."

LIFE IN THESE UNITED STATES I

Reader's Digest

July, 1997

Submitted by Mike Powers

Ithaca, N.Y.

 

   My wife and teenage son belong to a local tai kwon do club where they learn the strict rules of the discipline. The head instructor of the club is a highly ranked black belt whose tae kwon do title is  "Sabumnim." Away from class, Sabumnim is a plumber named Dave. 

   One day, after several futile attempts to  unclog a blocked pipe, I called Dave to ask if he could stop by and take care of it. An hour later, he pulled up in his truck, just as we were going out the door.

   As he came up the walk, my wife and son, ever mindful of their martial arts etiquette, stood rigidly at attention and bowed deeply.

   Just then I saw my next-door neighbor in his yard watching us. He said, "That must be one helluva plumber."