RESUME REGRETS VI

DON'T CALL US, WE'LL CALL YOU

From Reader's Digest 

 

Looking for a job? Learn from these miscues made by real job applicants.

Candidate specified that her resume was set up to be sung to the tune of The Brady Bunch theme.

Candidate applying for a job to work in Antarctica claimed to speak Antarctican.

Candidate listed "to make dough" as her main objective.

Candidate's cover letter talked about her family's being in the mob.

RESUME REGRETS V

Worst foot forward - the following are actual comments taken from job applications:

1. Experience: I'm a hard worker, etc. 

2. Reason for leaving previous job: I thought the world was coming to an end.

3. Personal: I am loyal and know when to keep my big mouth shut

4. Experience: I have a lifetime's worth of technical expertise. (I wasn't born - my mother simply chose "eject child" from the special menu.)

5. Qualifications: I am bi-lingual in three languages.

6. I am a wedge with a sponge taped to it. My purpose is to wedge myself into someone's door and absorb as much as possible.

7. Let's meet so you can "ooh" and "aah" over my experience. 

8. Interests: Gossiping

9. Objective: So one of the main things for me is, as the movie "Jerry McGuire" puts it, "Show me the money."

10. Achievements: First runner-up for Miss Fort Worth, 1982

 

 

RESUME REGRETS IV

Employers get so many resumes that it is a challenge to get them to pay attention to yours. The actual comments below probably got some attention, but not the kind the applicants were after.

1. Salary requirements: The higher the better

2. Salary desired: Starting over due to recent bankruptcies. Need large bonus when starting job

3. References: Bill, Tom, and Eric - but I don't know their phone numbers

4. Personal: I limit important relationships to people who want to do what I want them to do.

5. Objective: Student today. Vice president tomorrow.

6. Achievements: First runner-up for Miss Fort Worth, 1982

7. Reason for leaving last job: Bounty hunting was outlawed in my state.

8. Objective: To become Overlord of the Galaxy

9. What are you looking for in a job? #1) money #2) money #3) money

10. Awards: National record for eating 45 eggs in two minutes

RESUME REGRETS III

From Reader's Digest

June, 2009

 

Resume strung together with actual blunders made by job seekers:

 

Dear Sir or Madman,

 

I am sure you have looked through resumes with the same information about work experience, education, and references. I am not going to give you any of that stuff.

 

I would love to interview for the position of (insert job title here). If you grant me an interview for (insert job title here), I feel confident you'll see why I am the right person for the job.

 

My mother delivered me without anesthesia, so I have an IQ of 146 and can therefore learn anything.

 

I realize that my total lack of appropriate experience may concern those considering me for employment. But I have integrity, so I will not steal office supplies and take them home.

 

Please don't regard my 14 previous positions as job-hopping. I never once quit a job. They stopped paying me. 

 

In my next life, I will be a professional back-up dancer or a rabbi, but for now I am attacking my resume for you to review. I realize that my resume is no longer exemplary thanks to my family destroying the computer file. Nevertheless, here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

 

Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty.

 

RESUME REGRETS II

A resume should accentuate the positive, but sometimes it's the opposite. The following are actual comments on real resumes:

1. Why are you interested in this position? To keep my parole officer from putting me back in jail

2. Candidate included a letter of recommendation from his mother

3. Hobbies: Sitting on the levee at night watching alligators

4. Planned a new corporate facility at $3 million over budget

5. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details

6. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

7. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

8. Skills: I can type without looking at thekeyboard.

9. Experience: Have not yet been abducted by aliens

10. Qualifications: I have guts, drive, ambition, and heart - which is probably more than a lot of the drones that you have working for you.

RESUME REGRETS I

A resume should emphasize your strengths, but sometimes things don't go as planned. The following are examples of resume entries gone wrong.

1. Excellent memory. Good people skills. Strong work ethic. Excellent memory.

2. Grate communication and atention to details

3. None of  my references really like me, so please don't believe what they say.

4. On a resume for a mortgage banking job: I bake great cakes and will share if you give me this job.

5. Hobbies: Enjoy cooking Chinese and Italians

6. 2001 summer Voluntary work for taking care of the elderly and vegetable people

7. Service for old man to check they are still alive or not

8. Hobbies: getting drunk every night down by the water, playing my guitar and smoking pot

9. A candidate listed her email address as pornstardelight@*****.com

10. Able to say the alphabet backwards in under 5 seconds.

11. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a midwest chain store

12. Hobbies: Drugs and girls

13. Reason for leaving: I thought the world was coming to an end.

14. Objective: So one of the main things for me is, as the movie 'Jerry McGuire' puts it, "Show me the money!"

15. Skills: I have integrity so I will not steal office supplies and take them home.