CONGRESS SPEAK

From Reader's Digest

Missouri Congressman James Talent, asked by a reporter if he was a dog or cat person, replied:

Basically a dog person. I wouldn't want to offend my constituents who are cat people, and I should say that being, I hope, a sensitive person, that I have nothing against cats, and had cats when I was a boy, and if we didn't have the two dogs might very well be interested in having a cat now.
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Congressman addressing House of Representatives: "Never before have I heard such ill-informed, wimpy, back-stabbing drivel as that just uttered by my respected colleague, the distinguished  gentleman from Ohio.

DOUBLESPEAK II

Doublespeak is the deliberate use of stilted, confusing language with the intent to obscure an unpleasant truth or disguise the obvious.

Doublespeak: Unauthorized withdrawal
English: Bank robbery

Doublespeak: Media courier
English: Paper boy

Doublespeak: Solar-powered garment dryer
English: Clothesline

Doublespeak: Hand-held word processor
English: Pen or pencil

DOUBLESPEAK I

Doublespeak is the deliberate use of stilted, confusing language with the intent to obscure an unpleasant truth or disguise the obvious. At its worst, it is designed to deceive the public. Doublespeak is often associated with the military or politics, but it has also found its way into other bureaucracy-laden fields.

Doublespeak: Service a target
English: Bomb

Doublespeak: Meaningful downturn in aggregate output
English: Recession

Doublespeak: Downsize
English: Fire

Doublespeak: Classified
English: Secret

Doublespeak: Collateral damage
English: Civilian casualties

Doublespeak: Intelligence
English: Spying

Doublespeak: Learning facilitator
English: Teacher

Doublespeak: Negative outcome
English: Failure

Doublespeak: Correctional officer
English: Prison guard

Doublespeak: Spirits/Cocktails
English: Liquor

Doublespeak: Strategic drawdown
English: Retreat

Doublespeak: Under the influence/Inebriated
English: Drunk

Doublespeak: Pre-owned vehicle
English: Used car

Doublespeak: Food insecure
English: Hungry

Doublespeak: Pavement deficiencies
English: Potholes

Doublespeak: Airborne particulates
English: Dust

Doublespeak: Low nutrient-per-calorie-density comestibles
English: Junk food 

Doublespeak: Enhanced interrogation

English: Torture 

Doublespek: Friendly fire:

English: Wounding or killing our own soldiers by artillery or bombing mistakes 

 

PENTAGON SPEAK

What is it?

1. Manually powered fastener-driving impact device
2. Vertically deployed anti-personnel device
3. Categorical inaccuracy
4. Portable ground displacement expediter
5. Ballistically induced subcutaneous aperture
6. Individualized aerodynamic personnel decelerator
7. Encased graphite communications implement
8. Preemptive strike
9. Enhanced interrogation
10. Wheel out of tolerance

Answers:

1. Hammer 
2. Bomb 
3. Lie 
4. Shovel 
5. Bullet wound
6. Parachute
7. Pencil
8. Invasion 
9. Torture 
10. Flat tire

UNPLAIN TALK
Credit: LA Times Crossword
Sylvia Bursztyn and Barry Tunick  (adapted)

The following clues contain inflated definitions of common words. Can you supply the plain talk?

1. Authentic reproduction
2. Memorial park
3. Previously owned
4. Targeted aggression
5. Strategic drawdown
6. Revenue enhancements

Answers:

1. Copy
2. Graveyard
3. Used
4. War
5. Retreat 
6. Taxes 
 

MUMBO JUMBO

Credit: Will Shortz in The Puzzlemaster Presents

If a plaque removal aid is a toothpick, what is a:

1. Roseate graphite eliminator

2. Multifurcated coiffure arranger

3. Perforated epistolary expediter

4. Tubular beverage conduit

5. Circular sartorial fastening device
6. Metallic security device disabler

7. Bilalteral, elongated, ungual abrading apparatus

Answers:

1. Pencil eraser

2. Comb

3. Stamp

4. Straw

5. Button
6. Key

7. Nail file