PARAPROSDOKIANS XXXVII

[For an explanation of paraprosdokians, please see the post of April 21, 2018]  

You never know what you have until it's gone, and I wanted to know what I had, so I got rid of everything. 

Steven Wright  

PARAPROSDOKIANS XXXVI

1. To be frank ......... I'd have to change my name.

2. To be perfectly honest ....... is almost impossible. 

3. If all the people who sleep in church were placed to end to end, they would be more comfortable.  

4. In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today. Rescue operations are continuing.

Credit:

4: George Carlin 

PARAPROSDOKIANS XXXV

They usually have two tellers at my local bank - expect when it's very busy - when they have one.

Rita Rudner

PARAPROSDOKIANS XXXIV

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. 

Rodney Dangerfield

****************

From Reader's Digest

Author Unknown

When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple "Calm down" in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset.

PARAPROSDOKIANS XXXIII

From Reader's Digest

Contributed by Pratik Pandya

 

   After downing half a glass of milk, my ten-year-old son declared, "I'm an optimist: The glass is  half empty." 

   "Looking at the glass as half empty is a sign of pessimism," I said.

   "Not if you don't like what's in it," was his reply. 

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From Reader's Digest

Mitch Hedberg 

I haven't slept for ten days. That would be way too long.

   

PARAPROSDOKIANS XXXII

From Reader's Digest

Ron Dentinger

SALESMAN: You make a small down payment and then you don't make any more payments for six months.

CUSTOMER: Who told you about us?

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From Reader's Digest

Andy Andrews

FATHER: When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked 12 miles to get to school.

SON: Dad, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was President.

 

 

PARAPROSDOKIANS XXXI

From Reader's Digest

July, 2008

Submitted by Sandra Boletchek 

I was admiring a picture on my design client's wall when she came up from behind and mentioned, "That's my mother and her dog."

   "She's very attractive," I said.

   "She was more like a friend, really. I miss her."

   "She's no longer alive?" I asked.

   "No. But my mother is."

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From Reader's Digest

December, 2008

Arthur Carlson

According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we'll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo. So in other words, nothing is going to change.

 

 

PARAPROSDOKIANS XXX

1. If all the nations of the world are in debt, where did all the money go? 

2. Allow me to relate a personal experience - since those are the only experiences I've ever had.

Credits:

1: Steven Wright

2: Paul Stevens

PARAPROSDOKIANS XXIX

How does a chameleon show its true colors?

Why is the cabinet office in charge of everything outdoors called the Department of the Interior?

PARAPROSDOKIANS XXVIII

Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.

 

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

Rodney Dangerfield

 

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

Milton Berle

Man to travel agent:

I'm planning a vacation to Paris as a surprise for my wife. I'll call her when I get there.

Chon Day

Politics is funny. One year you're on the cover of Time, the next year you're doing it.

Farmer's Digest

 

PARAPROSDOKIANS XXVII

Patrick Jordan

 

1. People who live in glass houses have to answer the door. 

2. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you harder to insure.

Credits:

1. Patrick Jordan

2. Red Green

 

PARAPROSDOKIANS XXVI

From Reader's Digest 

February, 1945

Contributed by Marguerite Lyon

   When airlines were young and people were wary of flying, a promotion man suggested to one of the lines that they permit wives of businessmen to accompany their husbands free, just to prove that flying was safe. The idea was quickly adopted, and a record kept of the names of those who accepted the proposition.  In due time, the airline sent a letter to those wives, asking how they enjoyed the trip. From 90% of them came back the same reply, "What trip?"

PARAPROSDOKIANS XXV

I had a date in Casablanca once ........... a medjool one with some couscous.

Credit:

The Enigma 

August, 2020

XEMU 

PARAPROSDOKIANS XXIV

Woman, accompanied by husband and six children, to marriage counselor:

Our marriage would have broken up if it weren't for the children. Roscoe won't take them and neither will I.
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The battle may not always go to the strong, nor the race to the swift. But that's the way to bet.

PARAPROSDOKIANS XXIII

From Reader's Digest
Contributed by the Rev. Eric Davis

   While I was making farewell visits before moving to a new parish, an elderly member of the congregation paid me the compliment of suggesting that my successor would not be as good as I had been.
   "Nonsense," I replied, flattered.
   "No, really," she insisted. "I've lived here under five different ministers, and each one has been worse than the last."
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From Reader's Digest 
Contributed by Conrad Fiorello


"I understand the bank is looking for a cashier."
 "I thought they hired one a month ago."
" He's the one they're looking for."

PARAPROSDOKIANS XXII

From Reader's Digest
Gabe Kaplan on The Tonight Show," NBC  

   After arriving with his secretary at a Chicago hotel, Mr. Martin discovered that there was a mix-up and the desk clerk did not have his reservations for two rooms. "There is only one room available," said the clerk, "but it has twin beds and we can put a divider between them." Tired and angry, Mr. Martin looked at his secretary, she nodded OK, and so they took the room.
   After opening the window and saying good night, they went to their beds. In the middle of the night, the secretary called out, "Mr. Martin, I'm chilly. Will you close the window?"
   He thought for a moment, then said, "How would you like to be Mrs. Martin for tonight?"
   "I would like that," she replied.
   "Good," he said. "Then you get up and close the window."
  

PARAPROSDOKIANS XXI
From Reader's Digest
Contributed by Jacqueline Shaw


   My husband and I were watching a romantic scene on TV depicting a man and woman reminiscing about the day of the week that they first met, had their first kiss, and his proposal. My husband turned to me and asked, "What day is today?"
   Thinking he was remembering our special days, I said, "Why do you ask?"
   "I was just wondering," he answered, " if tomorrow is trash day."

PARAPROSDOKIANS XX
From Reader's Digest
Contributed by Sheila Lane


   At a grocery checkout counter, my father was sorting through various currencies, searching for U.S. dollars to pay for his purchases. "Look at all that foreign money," the cashier said, I bet you're going overseas."
   "I'm an airline pilot," Dad explained." "I frequently fly to the Oreint."
   "Oooh, a pilot! That must be exciting!"
   "Not if I do it right," replied my father.
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From Reader's Digest
Contributed by @JENSTATSKY

1. On the 13th day of Christmas, my true love said to me, ".................
2. On the 13th day of Christmas, my true love said to me, "................. 

Answers:
1. "Enough already."
2. "I think I might be a hoarder."  

PARAPROSDOKIANS XIX
From Reader's Digest
Contributed by Rune Carlson 

   At a Seattle airport, a crowd was waiting for friends and relatives arriving on an overseas flight. One man standing in front of the international arrivals door unrolled a huge banner that read: WELCOME HOME, JILL.
   The first person to appear was a very attractive flight attendant. Impressed by the banner, she remarked, "Wow, I wish I were Jill."
   The man holding the banner replied, "I wish you were too."

PARAPROSDOKIANS XVIII

From Reader's Digest
Contributed by Yvette Herrera


   The morning after a terrible snowstorm, I spotted my neighbor Janet, shoveling her driveway. I waved hello and asked why her husband wasn't out helping her. She explained that one of them had to stay inside and look after their two small children. They flipped a coin to determine who would go out and shovel.
   "Bad luck," I said.
   "Actually," she replied, "I won."