THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT XVIII

From Reader's Digest

The following public apology appeared in the Aberdeen, Washington World: "I wish to thank the Grays Harbor sheriff's office for the recovery of my stolen goods. At the same time, I wish to apologize for the remark I made to the effect that 'the sheriff's office couldn't track a wounded elephant in four feet of new snow.' "

THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT XVII
From Reader's Digest

Salutation in a letter sent by a university's athletics business manager:
DEAR ATHLETIC SUPPORTER
****************************

From an article in the Pittsburgh Press:
American primitive painter Grandma Moses produced much of her work before she died at 101.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT XVI
From Reader's Digest
Contributed by Bonnie Ruettiger

   While I was talking to a parent of one of my third-grade students, another teacher walked by. The mother, remarking on how beautiful the woman was, said, "If my son had her for a teacher, he wouldn't be able to concentrate." Then she paused and added, "Good thing he has you."
************************************************

From Reader's Digest 
Contributed by Anne Buller

My daughter and her husband, Monte, had flown to visit me, and he held their baby in his arms as the passengers stood to deplane. Noticing the baby's shirt, which said "Little Terror," a woman commented, "I think it's awful for your child to wear something like that."
   "But it's true," Monte replied.
   "Well," the woman persisted, "I wouldn't advertise it."
   A moment later, he shifted the infant a bit, and the woman exclaimed, "Oh, his shirt says 'Little Terror.' I thought it said "Little Error.' "

THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT XV
From Reader's Digest
Contributed by Harold L. Cole


One Sunday morning at church, our pastor announced, "Today's final hymn will be No. 238: 'Take Time to be Holy' ". Then he added, "In the interest of time, we'll sing only the first and last verses."
********************************************

Correction in the Milton-Freewater, Oregon, Valley Herald: "The title of a First Christian Church program in last week's paper was written as 'Our God Resigns.' The actual title is 'Our God Reigns.' "

THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT XIV

From Reader's Digest
Contributed by Elaine P. Finegan


In the checkout line at the supermarket, I asked the bag boy to separate the perishable items because I would have only a few minutes to unpack my groceries before leaving for an appointment. When I got home, I discovered he had followed my instructions to the letter: Each bag had at least one perishable item inside.
******************************

"My wife and I were happy for 20 years," says comedian Rodney Dangerfield. "Then we met."

THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT XIII

   Not one for remembering dates, my uncle bounced into his house one day with a big package under his arm and proudly bellowed, "Happy fifth anniversary, Honey! I bet you thought I'd forget!"
   "You're right - this is a surprise," my aunt answered, "considering this is the anniversary of your first marriage."
*************************************************

   I was leaving the grocery store with my three young sons when I spotted an Army tank loaded onto a flatbed truck with soldiers standing nearby. Knowing how my boys love anything that has to do with the military, I remarked, "Ooohhh, soldiers!"
   One of the men gave me a sheepish but somewhat flirtatious grin. Only then did I realize I was standing there alone. My boys had stopped at the gumball machine inside the store.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT XII

In a townhouse complex newsletter:

It is the responsibility of the residents to keep their private areas clean. If you don't know where your private area is, please refer to the rules and regulations.
*********************************************

Last week's column mistakenly misidentified a source. The European Commission president is Romano Prodi, not Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
*************************************

In an actual medical transcription record:
The patient was bitten by a bat as he walked down the street on his thumb.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT XI

GAFFES AND BLOOPERS

1. He recovered well, rising from the ashes like a sphincter.
2. Sometimes the pendulum swings both ways.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT X

From Reader's Digest
Contributed by John S. Ensign

   A biology professor, dedicated to the conservation of fossil fuels, always took the bus or train. One time, after a conference in a distant city, he needed a lift to the station. The teacher who obliged asked him why he hadn't come by car.
   "My convictions prevent my driving," replied our professor pompously.
   "I know what you mean," empathized his companion. "Last year they suspended by license for the same damn thing."

THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT IX

From Reader's Digest

   A correction carried in the Althorne Village, England, News: "The article about the Ladies' Craft Club should have stated that Mrs. Brown and Mrs. Smith gave talks on 'smocking and rugs respectively,' not smoking and drugs respectably,' as reported."


   From the Kountze, Texas, News: "It was erroneously stated that Mrs. C was confined to her home suffering from 'fleabites.' The spelling of the word should have been 'phlebitis.'"

THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT VIII

From Reader's Digest

I was very inexperienced and distinctly apprehensive when I arrived to teach my first English class at a prison. I decided, therefore, that I had better start with the basics. But my first question could hardly have been more ill-chosen: "I suppose you all know what a sentence is?"
Contributed by Arthur Ellis


   We spent  an enjoyable Christmas holiday in New York City, but battling the crowds became too much for me one day, and we sought refuge in a quiet museum, where I sat writing postcards. It was surely weariness that moved me to add on one card: "New Yorkers are rude people." And it was weariness that caused me to leave the cards, ready for mailing, on a bench.
   When we returned home, my family showed me a card which, in addition to my message, said: "Mailed by a rude New Yorker."
Contributed by Linda Prager

THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT VII

1. At a three-day retreat for pastors and their wives, one session consisted of testimonies of how the Lord had blessed our lives and ministries. One young preacher's wife stood up and began nervously "The Bible promises, 'No good thing does the Lord withhold from them that walk uprightly.' Well," she said sincerely, "my husband is one of those 'no good things.'"

2. Two men are commenting about a mutual friend:

Man 1: "He never picks up the check."
Man 2: "You really have to hand it to him."

Credits:
From Reader's Digest
#1: Joyce N. Juris
#2: Richard Hughes

THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT VI

From Reader's Digest

A radio announcer on the nomination of Sandra Day O'Connor to the Supreme Court:
"President Reagan made history today and kept a campaign promise."

"Marian Anderson will now sing in this holiday season of joy - 'Oy Vey Maria'"

THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT V

   A man left Chicago for a vacation in Key West. His wife was on a business trip and planned to fly down to meet him the next day. When the man arrived in Florida, he e-mailed his wife to let her know he had arrived, but mistyped her e-mail address. Instead, his message went to the inbox of a woman whose husband had just passed away.
   When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she read the message, screamed, and passed out cold. The woman's daughter rushed into the room and found this note on the computer screen: "My darling wife: Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to being with you again. Your loving husband.
   P.S. Sure is hot down here."

THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT IV

From Reader's Digest:

New York magazine competition for silly headlines containing self-defeating logic:


1. MARCH PLANNED FOR NEXT AUGUST
2. BLIND BISHOP APPOINTED TO SEE
3. L.A. VOTERS APPROVE URBAN RENEWAL BY LANDSLIDE
4. PATIENT AT DEATH'S DOOR - DOCTORS PULL HIM THROUGH

THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT III

From Reader's Digest
Contributed by Maryan F. Gleason


Reading the minutes of the previous meeting of our church supper club, the secretary concluded with a description of the program: "Having recently returned from their visit to Mexico, the Smiths discussed their trip and showed slides, which made us all want to leave immediately.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT II

From Reader's Digest
Contriubuted by Marjorie R. Mower

The woman in charge of our church magazine rose to make her appeal to the congregation. "Please, brother and sisters," she said, "start your subscriptions this month, so we can all expire together."


From Reader's Digest 
Contributed by Leila Weddle

Our church was in the process of finding a new pastor.  One candidate stayed for an evening service and agreed to accept questions from the congregation. During the session, a parishioner asked if the minister was familiar with farming, since our church is in the midst of a rural community. "No," the minister replied. My wife was raised on a dairy farm, but I grew up on the beaches of Southern California. All I knew was surfing and swimming. I never saw a cow until I met my wife."

THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT I

From Reader's Digest
Contributed by Donald R. Pinney

   At one civic meeting I attended, the speaker was an ERA advocate. During her talk she stressed the need for more influential people in support of the amendment. "What we need," she said, "are people who can open doors for us."


From Reader's Digest
Contributed by Boyd Adams

   In response to a radio interviewer's question, "What has Future Farmers of America done for you?" the young future farmer replied, "It has made me an overall person."

 
From Reader's Digest
Contributed by Ann Shroll
   Our minister, looking for ways to increase Sunday morning attendance, offered a prize to the person who invited the most guests. A tally was made pew by pew before the service started. The congregation was quiet as the results were counted. Just then the door opened, and three late-comers slipped into the back pew. The minister looked up. "You folks who just came in - who invited you?"