IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT: 2017

The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest is a yearly tongue-in-cheek competition to celebrate bad writing. Edward Bulwer-Lytton began his 1830 novel Paul Clifford with the infamous sentence, It was a dark and stormy night. Please see the DARK AND STORMY NIGHT post of July 8, 2014 post for a further explanation of this contest.

Below are some of the "winners" from the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest of 2017.

Crime
The church was deathly quiet: suddenly a shot rang out, a woman screamed, and somewhere in the back, a baby cried because that baby hadn't been taken to the nursery, even though the sign on the door clearly states that babies should be taken to the nursery.
Mark Schweizer, Tryon, NC

"Not cucumber sandwiches again," Earl "The Embezzler" DeWitt's thoughts turned dark as he trudged through the chow line at Hummingbird State Correctional Institute, lamenting his culinary fate for the thousandth time and dreaming of the greasy sloppy joe he might be enjoying instead, if  he'd only committed a manly felony, like bank robbery, and ended up at Riker's instead of this ersatz country club for white-collar wimps.
Maureen Donohue, Paso Robles, CA

Purple Prose
The Fall leaf, resplendent in red, gold, and purple, fluttered gently to the ground in front of her; and she knew that Winter was on Fall's heels: soup simmering gently in the crock pot, the snowy night sky reflecting city lights in a color vaguely reminiscent of Donald Trump's hair, while gently falling snow muffled city sounds like a gag on a narcissist.
Jennie Mayfield, St. Louis, MI

Dishonorable Mention
Statisticians say that the most common first word of an autobiography is "I"; I, however, not being egocentric, have not begun this autobiography with that pronoun, although I am a statistician.
Dwayne Roberts, Mesa, AZ

Our protagonist, whom we shall properly introduce in due course, Dear Reader, leaned far into the maelstrom, his body horribly assailed by wind and rain, as was his mind by his predicament (more of which anon), but suffice it to understand, that the current tempest was of such catastrophic proportion as to place it beyond the ken of the most ancient denizens.
Dennis Doty, Corbin, KY

Children's Literature - Winner
Our tale begins in the Arctic, a boy and his dog riding out the blizzard in a windswept cabin, hackles rising as they face down the fearsome bear clawing at the door, courage their spear, fierce loyalty their shield; yes, this is the tale of Hazku, proud chieftan of the northern bears, who makes quick work of these two and spends a pleasant afternoon napping in the cabin.
Jacob Smith, Dallas, TX

Fantasy - Winner 
Replacing the Human Torch's fireproof colostomy bag, teaching Iron Man how to use the TV remote, listening to Iceman complain that it's too cold, searching in vain for the Invisible Woman after she's wandered away again - life isn't comical as a Marvel Universe hospice nurse.
Dan White, Clarendon Hills, IL

Western - Winner
Baking in the blazing New Mexico sun as he stood in the dusty street outside the saloon, Old West certified public accountant Arthur W. Fetterman, Jr. hovered his sweaty hand over the butt of his borrowed six-gun, advanced another reluctant step toward famed gunfighter John Wesley Hardin and wondered for the hundredth time what had possessed him to correct the man's use of "supposably" during their poker game.
Bill White, Allentown, PA